Tiny Offerings

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

2009-09-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

These seem to be words that I say more and more frequently. The travel bug has burrowed deep in my heart and will not let me rest until I have flown off to see some distant land. And this week it's off to San Francisco for a few days to explore and visit dear friends that relocated there a few months ago.

I think it was Hawaii that first exposed me to the travel bug a little over a year and a half ago. Other than a few trips across the Mexican border, Hawaii was the most foreign place I had ever been to. It may be one of the United States of America but as THE most remote place in the world (about 2500 miles from the nearest continent) it felt like another planet. I loved the thrill of being someplace so new and exotic. And since that first trip to Hawaii I have been averaging about a trip (by plane) every three months. And yes folks, that is all travel for pleasure!! Of course, all of my destinations are with in the US and to visit friends that scattered out all over the country. I don't want you all to think I am sitting on a goldmine or anything. I have just made travel, exploration and adventure a big priority in my life these days.

Next summer I do plan to take a sabbatical between quitting work and returning to school for the soul purpose of travel. I am invigorated and inspired by travel and new cultures. I am planning to wander about the Mediterranean and see what I see, mainly in Italy and Greece. I have been storing up airline miles like a squirrel hording nuts for the winter. Now it's time to cash them in and have the biggest adventure of my life.

Bono sang, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." And maybe that is why I travel, in part. But the more I travel, the more I find that there is so much more worth looking for than I ever imagined. I will leave it to others wiser and more well travelled than my self to give a few more reasons to take to the roads, the seas, the skies and see what other wonders we might discover.

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” - St. Augustine

“The journey not the arrival matters.” - T. S. Eliot

“Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.” - Maya Angelou

“All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” - Martin Buber

2009-09-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

Life has been a whirlwind of activity lately. The last 6 months or so have been filled to the brim with travels all over the US. Celebrations for birthdays, engagements, and more. Outings to take advantage of all the lovely weather we had this summer in Seattle. Beginning new journeys toward the fulfillment of new dreams.

It has all be wonderful!! Even the challenges and the stretching have been welcome change.

Now, all of the sudden, I look at the calendar and I see that is has some how become September 1st. Where has the time gone?

I am a little weary, but in the best way possible, at the moment. I think today I will simply say hello and let you know that I am still here. Still journeying through life and seeking out new things to do and see and be. Soon I will give a few more specifics on my journey of late. Till then I hope you are well and enjoying your journey!!

Where I've been and Where I Am Going

2009-07-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

The last few months have been a whirlwind of activity and in these first few days of July I have been enjoying the chance to breath again. So much so that I may or may not have spent the entire day in my pajamas yesterday! :)

I have been charging full speed ahead on my journey toward a Master's in Social Work. With applications not due till January-March I have been focusing my energy on getting experience in the field of social work. Before school ended for the summer I was working with an after school program through the YMCA. It was great be working with youth again and I will be happy to return to that work in the fall. I have also been jumping in to a few different roles with Habitat for Humanity's Seattle affiliate. Along with getting dirty on the build sites, I have been working on the Family Support Team and will be working as a liaison between the habitat families and the home owner's association that they will be a part of. Since most of the families are immigrant and refugee families there are language and cultural barriers that make it hard for them to understand some of the rules. I'll be walking with them to help them understand and encourage them to get involved. I know that it will be a tremendous opportunity to grow and learn. Whether at the Y or Habitat I have been pushed outside my comfort zone and into uncharted waters, but I am finding it to be exhilarating and a complete confirmation that I am heading in the right direction.

And of course, May and especially June are crazy months for work. I spent many extra hours at the office trying to keep up with the high volume of work. There is still much work to be done for the close of the school year but all the time sensitive stuff is out of the way. It is nice to feel the pressure lifting.

Now July is here and there is lots of fun and travel on the schedule for the rest of the summer. Trips to Huntington Beach, Denver, and San Francisco before the summer ends. Sunshine and good friends to enjoy. I will try to spend a little time prepping for the GRE, which I plan to take this fall. And of course more time to breathe and dream.

Back to Grey

2009-04-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

After a few days of glorious sun the sky has turned back to grey again and the clouds are watering the earth. This change in the weather seems fitting as so many in my life are struggling right now. Illness seems to be touching so many right now that I am afraid to pick up the phone or read my latest emails.

Today a good friend's mother is in surgery to have a brain tumor removed. My grandmother was given the diagnoses of breast cancer one week ago. Another friend has a nephew, less than a year old, that has been in and out of the hospital over the last several month with a mysterious illness the doctors can't seem to fix or understand. Another friend's mom is in an assisted living home after MS and other complications have made home care impossible. A coworker traveled home to Michigan to be a support to her friend whose mother was killed over the weekend after being hit by a truck. My boss called this morning from the hospital after her father was taken in this morning (not sure why).

Last night a group of friends gathered to spend sometime praying over many of these things. In the face of so much illness and suffering it is hard to know of anything else to do but pray. We read some scripture before we prayed and one passage in particular weighed heavy on my heart, it was James 5:13-18.

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might not rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the earth. Then he prayed again, and heaven gave rain, and the earth bore its fruit.

Is anyone suffering? Yes. Is anyone cheerful? Probably. Is anyone sick? Too many. So all we can do is pray. And perhaps in the rain that falls there may be some answers, some healing, some peace and some comfort.

Sunshine

2009-04-20T15:20:00.000-07:00

Today the sun is shining and the air is warm. These are my kind of days. And in this sun induced bliss I think of the John Denver song "Sunshine On My Shoulders..."

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you
Id give to you a day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
Id sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you
Id tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
Id make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
Sunshine almost all the time makes me high
Sunshine almost always

I hope you too are enjoying the warmth of spring today!!

A Life In Terms of Water

2009-04-13T14:16:00.000-07:00

I just filled up my water bottle and I am enjoying the refreshment of this cool drink.

Moments earlier I was washing off my dish from lunch with water from the kitchen sick at work and loaded others in the dishwasher to be cleaned with more water.

My home and work both sit about about 100 yards each from a body of freshwater and I cross a bridge over it 2 times a day to get from one to the other.

In my home I have two sinks, a shower, and a toilet all with a never ending supply of water. Plus access to another community sink and washing machine in the basement, plus a number of water spigots outside the building.

Even my very being, my physical body is made of around 55% water.

In the last 24 hours or so I have been thinking a lot about water. Mostly in response to the new Spilling Hope project launched this Easter Sunday at Bethany Community Church. There are people all over this earth dying all because they do not have access to safe drinking water and here I am with more clean, safe water at my figure tips than I could ever possibly need or want.

So for the next 50 days I will step up the the challenge of the Spilling Hope project. Live Simply. Give generously. Change lives. I will cut out some of the excess in my life and set aside that money to help build wells in Uganda that will bring clean, safe water to thousands. Also I will say a prayer for those that are walking the earth at that moment carrying the heavy burden of a 40 lb. water jug everytime a fill a glass of water, wash my hands, do the laundry, or any other task that uses even a drop of water.

I hope you'll take the time to learn more about the global Water Crisis and consider how you can take action by Spilling Hope.

Signs and Other Good Things

2009-02-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at work I received a box of paperwork from an instructor that needed to be placed in candidate files. The arrival of the box was nothing special but the box itself possessed a feature that delighted my heart. The box was hand delivered and unsealed, but the packing tape from it's previous purpose wasn't your standard clear stuff so it caught my eye. It had hibiscus flowers printed on it and the words "Hilo Hattie's," the name of a Hawaiian gift shop. I then looked at the old shipping label. The box was originally sent from Honolulu to someone other that the person who sent it on to me. A little piece of Hawaii found it's way to me through at least 3 degrees of separation. I took it as a sign.

A sign of what? That's not exactly clear. But things like this seem too perfect to be mere coincidence. Ever since my last trip in November all the signs seem to confirm that the next turn my life will take leads to Hawaii. It's such a huge life change and that can be a scary thing. But God seems to be placing signs all along the way that are leading me to Hawaii and telling me that life there will be good.

A cardboard box is hardly a sign significant enough to uproot an entire life. There have been other, larger signs too. A friendship formed with a wonderful girl on my last trip. Someone who has offered encouragement, advise, and a place to stay two weeks from now as I make a practice run at life on the Island. Reconnecting with two dear friends from California days that now live on Oahu, also offering me a place to stay for part of my next visit. I will go to church with them and meet their community, hopefully creating more connections that can carry over to the time when I call Oahu home. Another old friend I haven't seen in 12 years finding me on Facebook who months ago relocated to Oahu. A college friend whose life seems to be steering her back to Hawaii and in need of someone to live with and share expenses. I think I know someone who might fit the bill.

There is already a community of people in Hawaii that have reached out to me with so much hospitality and friendship. People who offer such wonderful support and needed resources to me as I make my decision about moving. I am thankful that God has brought each of these people into my life at such a pivotal moment. It makes the decision so much easier, so much clearer.

I am excited to see how my trip plays out in a few weeks. I think a lot of great and important conversations will happen. I am excited to see what other wonderful surprises God has up his sleeve.

When Reality Sets In

2009-02-06T11:10:00.000-08:00

For months now all the news seems to to be focused on one thing, the economy. While all the news is hard to ignore I haven't really felt any of the sting of the current crisis in my personal life. When you live is a big city with new construction going on all over and new businesses setting up shop in these new structures it can be hard to believe just how bad things really are. But than I turn on the TV or read the headlines and all of them say the same thing. Another bank going under, another business laying off thousands, and on and on. The future looks uncertain in so many way.

Before today the only person I knew personally to be effected by this economic down turn was my mom. She works as a florist part-time, just to have a little extra money for shopping and fun. The shop were she works has been struggling to bring in the kind of revenue they used to. After all, who buy flowers when funds for even the necessities are low? My mom's employer cut back her hours to make up for the down turn. Thankfully my dad has a well paying job that can support a comfortable life on its own so it hasn't been too detrimental.

Than this morning I got an email from a dear friend of mine that was laid off from her job last night. This is the first person that I have known to lose her job as a direct result of the economy. While she has a supportive family and her fiance has work to support them for the time being there is still a lot of fear about the future. She mentioned a job fair that she went to recently and a whopping 1200 people showed up for 125 job opening and that was only on day one of a two day fair. With so many others in the same place and more being laid off daily it is hard to find a word that best describes the challenge of finding work these days.

So today I feel a mix of emotions. I feel sorry for the struggle my friend now finds herself in (not to mention the millions of other Americans there with her). I feel thankful that I have a job that seems to be secure enough to last till the economy starts to climb again. I am a bit worried about what the future holds when all the sources seem to agree that we still haven't hit the bottom yet. I am hopeful that our new president has the vision, passion, and wisdom to lead us to better days. I am inspired to do what I can to help those that need it, after all ones luck could change at any moment in times like these and I would want others to be there for me.

So lets take care of each other. And we will make it through, hopefully better for it.

Up to the Mountain

2009-01-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

I am still reveling in the joy of yesterday. A proud day for America. A day that marked the end of an old era and the beginning of a new. On January 20th, 2009 I watched through blurry, tear-filled eyes as Barak Hussein Obama was sworn in as the first African American President of the United States of America. It is hard to express the emotions of that moment. Hope and pride welling up inside. 2oo plus year of our country's history, full of moments that made it all possible, running through my mind. Obama's hand resting on Abraham Lincoln's bible. Millions gathered in Washington and billions more in front of TV's, computer screens and radios around the world experiencing history together. I don't know if I have ever seen my country so united.

It seemed so fitting, like God predestined it to be, that Obama would be sworn in on the day after the celebration of Martin Luther King Jr's life and legacy. Without MLK I am certain that this day would still be a long way off. While many had the words of King's "I have a Dream" speech ringing in their ears yesterday I was thinking of a different speech. Just one day before he was assassinated Martin Luther King Jr had this to say...

Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. And I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.

For so many Americans the floodgates of possibilities opened up for them yesterday, because of the long line of men and women, including MLK and culminating with Barak Obama, who believed that America was truly the land where all men are created equal.

A favorite musician of mine, Patty Griffin, wrote a song in tribute to MLK and his "I've been to the mountaintop" speech. The melody has been playing through my head for last few days now. Black or white, we could all use this kind of faith that God can and will make good on his promises. As we journey ahead into uncertain times we need great hope that we can persevere. Both King and Obama said that there would be dark days ahead, but both men remind us that we will get to the other side. The question of if has now been shattered. The only question left is when.

"Up To The Mountain (MLK Song)"

I went up to the mountain because you asked me to
Up over the clouds to where the sky was blue
I could see all around me everywhere
I could see all around me everywhere

Sometimes I feel like I've never been nothing but tired
And I'll be walking till the day I expire
Sometimes I lay down, no more can I do
But then I go on again because you ask me to

Some days I look down afraid I will fall
And though the sun shines I see nothing at all
Then I hear your sweet voice, oh
Oh, come and then go, come and then go
Telling me softly You love me so

The peaceful valley just over the mountain
The peaceful valley, few come to know
I may never get there ever in this lifetime
But sooner or later it's there I will go
Sooner or later it's there I will go

Thinking of Hawaii

2009-01-16T13:42:00.000-08:00

It is a lazy Friday with the luxury of time for day dreaming. And that usually means I am thinking about Hawaii, wondering what my life could be like there. I think I mentioned before that the biggest concern in leaving Seattle is finding the same kind of community and friendships that I have known here. I feel lucky to already have a few friends there (plus the possibilty of adding to that number on my upcoming trip in only 43 days). But still I don't want to cling to those few people for community. I have started looking into ways to get involved in the community and meet people once I am kama`aina (that's means resident in Hawaiian).

I have recently signed on to start volunteering with Habitat for Humanity here in Seattle and plan to continue with that in Hawaii at the Honolulu chapter. I have also looked at getting involved with the Surfrider Foundation. They have beach clean up days and other events. It seems fitting to really do what I can to be a good steward of the ocean since I know it will be the source of so much of my fun and adventure on Oahu. Another amazing organization I found is Spirit Sessions. It's a surfing outreach program for at-risk youth. I will need to brush up on my surfing skills a bit before jumping in there but it sounds like a really amazing program. I have also started searching for churches in the Honolulu area. I will be there one Sunday in March so maybe I'll be able to visit one.

All of these things get me excited about the possibilities of a new life in Hawaii. The one time in my life that I made a major move across statelines was for school. While it was still a little scary and mysterious so many things that I needed were built in. A purpose and community all part of the package. But now I am planning a move with no real aim except to start a new life, start fresh. I am not moving for a job or a relationship. I guess, simply put, I am moving because I can. For a while now I have been hearing God speak the same words over and over again. "Stop waiting for the life you want and start living the life you have." I sometimes I find myself a bit ashamed of my life. Not because of things I do, but all the things I don't. I want to take advantage of all the blessing of being where I am in my life. I don't want to miss an opportunity to grow and become more complete. I don't want to pass up an open door in the hopes that something better will come along. And Hawaii seems to be the open door right now.

A Good Word and An Honest Response

2009-01-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

This past Sunday, at Bethany Community Church, Richard had a very good word for us all. As the first Sunday of a new year it was a look at establishing some new ways. Richard talked about 3 different areas to cultivate in our spiritual lives; the way we steward our relationship with the Holy Spirit, the way we steward the talents God has given us, and the way we steward the "least of these" around us. As I have spent some time pondering these things the last few days I find myself struggling a bit at how to take these lessons and live them.

I have always struggled with the first point, my relationship with the Holy Spirit. I am hopelessly human and therefore I cling to tangible things. It is hard to devote myself to a thing I cannot see or touch or hear in a physical way. I know that prayer and communion with God is a thing I need desperately. And I have tasted the amazing fruits that can come from spending time there. But the fruit comes only through keeping present with God through it all, including the silent waiting. Spending time with God is not like spending time with a friend in the physical world. There are no hugs, no nods of agreement. Well maybe there are. Maybe He nods in the movement of the trees in the wind and hugs us with the warm colors of a sunset. I need to keep mindful that God's ways are not like ours and learn better how to experience the ways that he does respond. I need to learn the discipline of prayer and silence.

I struggle too, though perhaps a little less, with the issue of my talents. Any success I have had with talents has come because of their tangibility. These are the things I can do, make and say. My talents take physical shape. But then there is the question...what are my talents? What are the unique gifts that God has placed on me so that I may be a gift to the world? There are some areas that I have discovered my talents and shared them without fear or hesitation. Hospitality would one talent I am happy to invest. Then there are other areas that have all the signs of a talent, yet I am terrified to place them out in the light for all too see and judge. My music has always been a source of private comfort, but public terror. Perhaps because it is a more vulnerable expression of my inmost self and the thought of not being good enough in the eyes of another cuts deep. I need to learn to let go of the fear and share freely the gifts that have been given to me so freely.

And lastly the way I interact with the world around me, the world in need. More and more the needs grow. More and more my heart softens to the plight of those less fortunate, of whom the number is too great. But still my actions are severely deficient in comparison to my capabilities. Living in an urban setting there is no shortage of people in need that cross my path each day. So often I walk around with my eyes fixed on the ground and my mind fixed inwardly on my own wants and needs that I miss the opportunities that abound. There are simple things that I can do that don't require a huge shift in the way I live. To keep a few granola bars in my car to give to the homeless at the intersection on the way home from work. To help someone struggling with a heavy load by carrying a bag or two. I need to learn to look out into the world, away from myself, and see the needs of others and do what I can to meet them.

While it is good to think about such things it is my hope that as I journey ahead that these thoughts will make way into action. And that those actions will be a blessing to God and to the world!

The Beginning of a Year of Change

2009-01-02T11:50:00.000-08:00

It is January again! 2009! I can hardly believe that another fresh, new year is upon us. They seem to pass so quickly. And as I get used to the act of writing 09 in the date I have been thinking about how I want to spend this year. It looks as if it will be a year of great change in my life. I have been contemplating a move to Hawaii in the fall, after over 8 years in Seattle. There have been many things to confirm that this is the path that I should go down and with that in mind there are so many things that come to mind of things I need to do if I am to make that huge leap of faith.

I could bore you with my list of to-do's. Buy less/save more, work on resume, sell/donate unnecessary belongs, etc. But those are just the things that will make the logistics of this huge change/move more managable. What about the feelings that come to the surface? There are more than just clothes, books and kitchen gadgets to sort through. Seattle has been my home for close to a decade now. The friends that I have made here have become my family. I have put down significant roots in this town and it may be hard to uproot them. But in spite of any heartache there is also great excitement and joy at the possibilities that lay ahead. Something tells me there will be many more posts on this topic this year.

So Happy New Year friends! I am hopeful that it will be rich year for us all.

A Tree Full of Memories

2008-12-08T16:05:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things about Christmas is the tree. Ever since I was a little girl I would get so excited to get our tree in the house and set about the task of draping it's branches full of ornaments. As a child it was a family event. We would put on the John Denver or Amy Grant Christmas albums to get us in the spirit. My dad would bring out the boxes of ornament from the garage and my mom would pass out the ornaments to my sister and I to hang them on the tree. There were also certain rules to decorating our tree, my favorite being, all flying things (i.e. angels, Santa's on rocket ships, etc.) were to be hung at the top of the tree. Each year our tree would grow in fullness as we acquired new ornaments. Nowadays, the tree in my parents house is so full that hardly any branches are visible through the thick layer of memories.

And today my excitement over decorating the tree is no different. Last year my mom finally brought herself to part with my collection of ornaments and sent them to me to decorate my own tree in Seattle. My mom took such care to write on each box when and how each ornament came to be mine so that I would always know the stories, no matter how many years pass. Some were gifts from family or friends, others were purchased to commemorate special events of the year, some bought, some made, but each one tells a story. As I sit and look upon my tree each evening I am reminded of what a great life I have lived and the wonderful people who have loved me throughout. So as you decorate and enjoy your Christmas trees this year may you also feel the blessings of a life well lived.

In Spite of it all...Rejoice!

2008-12-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted any "offerings," about 9 months to be exact. I am not entirely sure why I let the blog fall to the wayside. Perhaps a lack of feeling inspired, the busyness of life, or some other reason whose name escapes me. But lately there has been a lot of thoughts marinating in my mind and I am beginning to feel a longing to get those thoughts out in the world to see what could come of them.

There is something about the advent season that always seems to get me in a more contemplative mood. Reflecting on the mysteries of the season. Looking back on the wondrous unfolding of the past year and pondering how the next will play out. Reminiscing over all the memories of Christmases past. The lengthening nights lend themselves well to all of this pondering.

Then there is the current state of the world. An economic crisis that seems to grow more and more with each passing day. An entire continent ravaged by poverty and disease (my heart aches for the people of Zimbabwe in particular today). The earth groaning with pain from generations of neglect and misuse. Growing threats of war and terror.

It is a strange mix of blessing and sadness that fills my heart. So much going on that should rightly unsettle us, yet very aware that there is so much to feel blessed and lucky for. I feel hopeful in spite of so much. But I guess that shouldn't seem so strange to me. After all this is the season of hope and love and joy.

My dear sage, Madeleine L'Engle, probably was dealing with similar thoughts when she wrote her poem "First Coming." She put it this way...

God did not wait till the world was ready,
till...the nations were at peace.
God came when the heavens were unsteady,
and prisoners cried out for release.
God did not wait for the perfect time.
God came when the need was deep and great.
God dined with sinners in all their grime,
turned water into wine.
God did not wait Till hearts were pure.
In joy God came to a tarnished world of sin and doubt.
To a world like ours of anguished shame
God came, and god's light would not go out.
God came to a world which did not mesh,
to heal its tangles, shield its scorn.
In the mystery of Word made Flesh
the Maker of the stars was born.
We cannot wait til the world is sane
to raise our songs with joyful voice,
for to share our grief, to touch our pain,
God came with Love: Rejoice! Rejoice!

Hawaii Part Two - You Can't Keep Me Out of the Water

2008-04-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

Our second full day in Hawaii Started with the most glorious sunrise. I think most things are more glorious in Hawaii. With the time change and early pick ups for most of our adventures I got to see the sunrise most mornings. And because it tended to be cloudier to the east the sunrises were much more spectacular than the sunsets.

It was Saturday and we had made reservations to Kayak in Kailua Bay on the eastern shore of Oahu. Kailua Beach is one of Hawaii's top rated beaches and a great destination for kayaking, wind surfing and kite boarding. After the van ride over the mountains and through the lush jungles we arrived at the Kayak place. We had a guide that was going to take us to explore some of the small islands out in the bay. We looked at the map of where we were going, grabbed our Kayaks and headed to the beach.

Now I wouldn't say that I am a novice kayaker, nor would I say I am an expert. I think living in the northwest one has a lot of opportunities to get out on the water in a kayak. And while almost all on my kayaking experiences have been on salt water this experience was very different. I am used to coves and harbors protected from the elements with nice calm water, but in Hawaii it was wild seas in comparison. On Oahu the east side of the island in most commonly referred to at the windward side, which means lots ans lots of wind. Our guide told us that the hardest part of the journey would be the way out as we would be paddling directly into the wind and gave us some tips to help make it a little easier. I was confident in my skills though so I wasn't to worried about it.

Our guide told us that the are was notorious for Green Sea turtles and to keep a look out. So of course I thought every dark spot under the water was a sea turtle. I don't think I actually did but my parents did see a couple. On the way out to our first stop at Popo‘i‘a (Flat Island) I was doing pretty good at keeping up with the group despite the fact that I was in a single kayak and everyone else were in tandems. See, in a single if you are going into the wind and you stop paddling you go backwards. So there was no resting for me. I came in second to last so I was pretty pleased with myself having expected to be last. We stopped and explored the little island which once was a place of sacrifice for the ancient Hawaiians to insure good fishing, but has since become a bird sanctuary. There were several groups of birds just nesting on the group right in the open. And we saw a dead eel that somehow made his way up onto the rocky island. It was nice, too, to take a break from paddling and have a little snack to refuel.

Once we were sufficiently rested we hopped back into our kayaks and headed back to shore bu this time to a beach further south from where we originally put it. This stretch of the trip seemed a little harder than the first as my muscles were getting tired but I pushed through. We landed on a more secluded beach with the softest, whitest sand. We all just enjoyed swimming in the ocean. The water there was much more clear and blue than at Waikiki. then with the little islands out in the bay it was so picturesque. Just past the sand were houses and I decided that if I ever move to Hawaii that I would live there so I could enjoy that view everyday. After writing silly messages in the sand and playing on the beach for a while it was time pack up the kayaks and head back to the place we started from.

Our guide said the rest of the way should be much easier since we would be traveling in the same direction at the wind. But for some reason I felt like I was struggling pretty badly to keep a straight course. For some reason my kayak was pulling to the right which seemed impossible since the wind and water both were pushing left. I was having to paddle almost entirely on the right side of the kayak just to go in a relatively straight life. I thought maybe if I tried to shift my weight around I could find a position that would help me keep a straight course. But I forgot I was in the ocean and that there are waves in the ocean. As I was shifting left a wave came from my right a slowly flipped me out for a swim. The guide was probably about 100+ yards ahead of me so one of the other boats that witnessed the spill called for help. I managed to flip my kayak back to right side up and lucky our guide pulled up just in time to help me climb back in. I said something witty like, "I was just getting hot and thought I would go for a swim." He laughed and told me that this particular spot was notorious for dumping people out of their kayaks.

I finally pulled into shore and joined the rest of my group after my adventures on the high seas. After rinsing off all the salt water and devouring a couple of huge slices of pizza we went back to the beach to lay in the sun and watch the windsurfers and kite boarders fly across the water and through the sky.

Despite the workout and the embarrassing spill it was a great day in one of the most beautiful and peaceful spot I have ever been to.

My Hawaiian Adventure - Part One "Transitioning to Island Life"

2008-04-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

We all go through life looking for so many things that sometimes one becomes completely and utterly overwhelmed by all the looking. We are always on the hunt for the fulfillment of so many hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations that we forget to slow down, rest and enjoy the place in which we find ourselves. This has been my life of late. With big life changes just on the horizon, not to mention the everyday stresses, I have been just a smidge overwhelmed (okay, maybe more than a smidge). My trip to Hawaii could not have come at a better time. I needed badly to step outside my life and get a little perspective.

Since I had never been to Hawaii I had the stereotypical picture in my head of Palm Trees swaying in the warm breeze and pristine beaches with crystal clear water. I was expecting to find the perfection of Paradise the moment I stepped on the plane. And I will admit I was a little disappointed upon my arrival. Perhaps I was just tired from the long flight over and not to happy about the 4 hour wait at the airport for my parents flight to arrive but whatever the reason I was feeling disappointed. What had I expected...to walk out the plane onto one off those beaches I had been dreaming about? But luckily the Honolulu airport is open air with lots of places to sit and wait with Palm trees and other tropical vegetation to admire. Plus having just come from Seattle at a crisp 43 degrees I was somewhat content to just sit outside in the warm 80 degree Hawaiian air.

Soon enough my parents plane arrived, we had all our bags, and the keys to our rental car in hand. Let's just say that I was very ready to leave the Honolulu International Airport. Although my disappointment still clung as we made our way to the condo as the drive from the airport with through the heart of industrial Honolulu then towering hotels and resorts in bumper to bumper rush hour traffic. By the time got checked into the condo, unloaded, and freshened up the sun had set on our first day in Paradise. We still walked the two blocks to the beach to find dinner and sit on the beach although these wasn't much to see in the dark.

The next morning there was a free breakfast that came with my parent vacation package. Basically they tell you all about the different activities and tours you can do on the island and help you book everything. After being bombarded by information you have to decide how you will spend your brief visit. I was feeling a little overwhelmed by all the decisions and frustrated that my time in paradise felt like it was being wasted inside when were I really wanted to be was the beach. So after a couple of hours and a $1000 worth of activities booked we emerged. Then we took the shuttle back to our condo to get changed into bathing suits and grab all we would need to park ourselves on a little patch of sand on Waikiki Beach for the rest of the day.

After only a few minutes of laying in the sun with my toes in the sand I thought to myself, "Ah, Now this is Hawaii." From that moment on I found the Hawaii of my dreams. The water was the warmest ocean I have ever swam in. Although the crowds were big everyone is so friendly and relaxed. It is easy to just "Hang Loose." It is hard to describe how great you feel so quickly on that Island. Perhaps the warm sun just melts away any worry or woe that you arrive with. Peace and rest seemed to abound everywhere.

Enjoying some Hawaiian Shaved Ice on Waikiki Beach

The view from our spot on the beach

Me and Mom at the Duke Kahanamoku StatueI loved the Banyan trees. They are like no other tree I have seen.

More Tales of Hawaii coming soon!

It seems now only a distant memory

2008-04-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have been home for one week since my incredible trip to Hawaii. It seems that the realities of life and work and the status quo have worked together to make my vacation seem like a dream. I don't have the time to reflect on my trip as thoroughly as I would like right now. But I just thought I would post a little something for the time being.

Let me just say that if a rest from the hustle and bustle of everyday life is what you need than hawaii is the place to find it.

Future Plans

2008-02-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

I have been intending to write about this for sometime. In fact, I have started writing numerous posts over the last several months but seem to hit a wall a few sentences in and give up. But tomorrow I am taking a step toward my future plans and feel compelled to share.

I have been researching and toying with the idea of becoming a chef for quite sometime now. After spending the last 5 years of my life working in an office environment, shackled to a computer for 8 hours a day I have come to realize this is not they way I want to spend my days. I am a creative being and I need to be able to spend my days making something tangible, beautiful with my own two hands.

Cooking has always been something that I love and one of my favorite creative outlets. It combines my two passions really, creativity and community. While I am able to express myself in the mixing and presentation of flavors, I am also able to bring people together to slow down and enjoy the moment. Also food is what nourishes our bodies and fuels us to live our lives. And I even think good food can often nourish our souls. What a powerful blessing that food can be?

So tomorrow I will be going to an informational meeting at South Seattle Community College to learn more about their culinary arts program. From the research I have done so far SSCC is my top choice and seems to have some of the highest credentials among Seattle culinary institutes. I am excited to hear more and see what their facilities and faculty have to offer. The thought of setting foot inside a real professional kitchen for the first time is making me giddy with anticipation.

But I am anxious too. I feel in some ways that I am standing on a cliff. Behind me a familiar and safe life, before me a panorama of beautiful possibilities. So pray for me as I get ready for the biggest leap of my life thus far.

Hawaii or Bust

2008-02-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

I am pleased to report that this morning I just purchased a ticket for my 1st trip to Hawaii! I am extremely excited, especially after just taking a little walk out in the fridgid Seattle cold. I will be meeting my parents there for a little family vacation. Something that we haven't done in a decade at least. At the end of March we will make our way to the Island of Oahu. We have a condo reserved on Waikiki and the thing I am most looking forward to (besides being warm) is swimming with the dolphins. So check back in early April to see how my trip to Paradise measures up.

As One Chapter Closes

2008-02-04T13:42:00.000-08:00

Last night was the end of an era. At 6:45 a group of us gathered together for the last church service to be held to the little sanctuary that has been the home of Bethany Community Church for the last 50 years or so. It was a bittersweet time for me. Although it is just a building it has been an important building in my life and I have had many life shaping moments within those walls.

I remember the first moment that I entered that space nearly 8 years ago. I had just moved to Seattle and was looking for a place to belong and feel at home. I had gone to a few other churches before I discovered Bethany and left each visit feeling like I had just tried on some illfitting garment. I was skeptical as I approached Bethany for the first time. First off, the service I went to was at night. This felt strange to me having spend my previous years in the church attending only morning services. But this little building glowed with the warmth of soft candle light which felt like an invitation to let down my guard and rest here awhile. The building was full of new faces but all somehow felt familiar to me. Everyone seemed to have come just as they were, with little fuss or pretense. Before even a song was sung or a word preached I felt at home, more so than ever before in the walls of a church.

Since that first Sunday that church, both the place and the people, has been a huge part of my story. How different my life would look with out that little building at 80th and Stone near Greenlake? I am thankful as I look back and hopeful that God will continue to pour out His faithfulness on our community.

A most special Present

2008-01-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

I have been pining away for ages for a Kitchen Aid Mixer. But they are so expensive that I never felt totally compelled to make the grand purchase. But this year my grandma gave me a very generous check for Christmas and with my culinary aspirations I decided it was time to splurge and get the mixer.

So here she is! Somewhere between Illinois and here is a UPS truck with my mixer riding in back. The estimated arrival date is January 14th, so I am already planning all the yummy treats I will make. I'll try and take a few picture of the inaugural run once she arrives.

What if we never see him again?

2007-11-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

Some Friendships are forged over time and through some shared experiences. But every now and then a friendship forms in the blink of an eye.

This morning I had the pleasure of riding the bus with a few small boys who made the journey all the better with their wonder and excitment. Two young boys (I would say around ages 4 & 6) got on the bus with their dad a few stop after I got on. They had a back pack full of toys and books to keep them occupied. My heart was delighted when they chose to read Dr Suess's Sleep Book (a favorite of mine as a child, read to me so much that I can still quote a vast majority of the book to this day). But a few pages in and a few stops later another young rider, another boy about age 6, got on with his mother.

The bus was quite full so the father and sons squeezed together to make room for the other young boy. And the 3 boys began to talk and play. The brothers shared their toys most graciously with their new friend and I was grining at the silly conversation the 3 were having.

One stop before mine the boy and his mother exited the bus. The younger brother instantly turned to his dad and brother and most sincerly asked, "what if we never see him again?" And then it was my turn to exit.

On the eve of this Thanksgiving I am thankful for the tender hearts of children and the beautiful way that they see the world.

For the Autumn Trees

2007-11-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

By Me

As your green disguise fades fast away
And true colors, orange and red appear
You fold your leaves as if to pray

The blue, bright sky has turned to gray
The heavy clouds release their rain
And the chill sends the faint of heart away

Like that nightly ritual
Of bath and prayer and bed
The earth is getting ready
To rest her weary head

2007-10-11T13:31:00.000-07:00

Work has been on my mind a lot these days. The current busyness and stress of work has been paving the way to thoughts on what the future holds. I am convinced that any attempt I make of trying articulate my thoughts at this present time will only come across as jibberish. But I would say the vast majority of my thoughts are related to my dissatisfaction with my current work and the struggle to figure out how to make a change that will bring that longed for satisfaction. I stumbled upon this quote in my search for inspiration and I wanted to share it since it articulates the thoughts that I have been having.

Rainer Maria Rilke says...

Ah, this longing to be able to begin, and always all of these blocked paths. How will it be with my work? Every morning I get up for the useless and anxious waiting, and go to sleep disappointed, disoriented, and overcome with my inability. Ah, if I had a manual craft, a daily task, something closer...instead of this waiting for faraway things.

So I am making attempts at starting some of those "manual crafts" and "daily tasks" that can help me make some small movement toward the fulfillment of my dreams. I had a few great conversations with friends this weekend that sent me on some good leads for networking and business ideas. Lauren, an MBA candidate, was pouring out all of her expertise and helped give me some great practical steps that I could take to peruse and pursue my culinary dreams. Another friend, Jason, told me about at company that is doing something along the lines of one of my ideas. So I am hoping to explore what Culinary Communion has to offer.

Sorry if my thoughts seem a little scattered today. I'll write more on the topic very soon.

Breathe

2007-09-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget. That simple act of letting out the breath that I take in. It is Monday morning and as I frantically sort through emails, phone messages and papers piled high around me a voice breaks through. "...breathe...don't forget to breathe." I turned the music on to help calm my frantic pace, background noise to help me set the rythm for my work. Somehow all the other words have just been notes and melodies that pass over me. But these words "...don't forget to breathe." these are the words that I hear, that I need to hear.

The song "breathe" by Alexi Murdoch

Stars and Remembering

2007-09-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

My favorite author passed away this past Thursday. Madeleine L'Engle lived 88 years and authored some of the most beautiful words, both poetry and prose, that I have had the pleasure of reading. Through reading so much of her work, her heart, I feel a sense of connection to her life. I have quoted her words so many times on this little blog that it only seems right to pay her tribute here. While she no longer dwells among us her words and stories will be forever left behind to inspire and challenge those who read them.

I thought of Madeleine this weekend as I got out of town for a camping trip. On Saturday night a group of us stood on the banks of the Wenatchee River and looked at the canopy of a million stars above us. Earlier this summer I read "Many Waters" by L'Engle in which stars play a large roll. The stars are constantly singing out truth, according to L'Engle, singing over us. If only we could learn to stop and listen, to re-learn the ancient language in which they speak.

Reading "Many Waters" and contemplating the wisdom of the stars inspired me to write my own song about the story. So I will share it here is my tribute to Madeleine L'Engle's life and the truth that she has helped me to see.

Why We Are Here by Bree Aseltine

I went out walking in the wilderness
And the stars were chiming over head
The were speaking in an old unfamiliar language
But still I knew every word

Some how I ended up in some else's stories
Wandering in the desert, far from home
And as the strange in this foreign land
I had to learn to change my hard, hard heart

To believe in the impossible, that is why we are here
To know love that cannot be quenched, that is why we are here

When I looked up out of my own despair
Looking up into the clear night sky
I heard the stars singing over us
fear not sweet child and wait patiently

Thank you, Madeleine, and rest in peace.

For Love of the Game

2007-08-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I experienced another first in my life. My first time attending a Pro Football game. The Seattle Seahawks vs. the Oakland Raiders. A pre-season game that serves no other purpose than to get fans and players a like riled up for the season ahead.

Maren's uncle was out of town so his 4 season ticket on the club level were us for grabs. So Maren, Braden, Brian and I gladly volunteered to fill the seat so that our Hawks would not feel abandoned.

Football fans are a fun bunch of people to observe. I was even inspired to join them by dawning a Seahawks hardhat. The announcers at the game informed us that the Seahawks have the loudest fans in the NFL. And I believe them. I have never heard anything like the sound of a packed stadium cheering in unison like that.

Braden was gracious enough to spend sometime at the beginning of the game explaining some of the nuances of the game to me so that I could better appreciate the game. And Football, it turns out, is quite a complicated game. I still have much to learn but I definitely have a new found appreciation and enjoyment of the game after having experienced it first hand.

The kick off!

Brian, Braden, Maren, and Me

Oh yes, I almost forgot to mention. The Seahawks made us proud and won the game. Quite the first Pro game experience if I do say so myself.

Why I Love to Knit

2007-08-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

During certain busier, more stressful seasons I find myself turning back to my knitting. There is something very calming about knitting.

You start with nothing but a ball of yarn and 2 needles, then before you know it the yarn has been transformed into something beautiful, something useful. I think I love this aspect of knitting so much because the progress in life is not always so easy to see. It is encouraging to see something come to completion when most areas of life are left open and unresolved. I become hopeful that the loose strings of my life can also be woven into so fine and useful a pattern.

There is comfort, too, in the rythmn of knitting. The steady motion, the clicking of the neddles with each stitch. I find myself hypnotized by this rythmn and all my worries fade away. I concentrate on the pattern I am creating. I focus on each stitch as I make it. I get lost in the music of knit and purl.

Wandering in the Desert

2007-08-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

So is it really considered being lost if you never knew where you were going in the first place?

Saturday morning a group of 12 headed east to go backpacking near the Columbia River Gorge. I had never been east of the Cascades so I was excited for a change in scenery. The intended destination of our journey was Ancient Lakes. We got to the trailhead about 1:30 and the desert sun was high and hot. I was happy that our destination was a lake, which I was planning on jumping in to cool off.

Although none on the trip had made the hike before we had read a description of the trail and the destination. We know if was roughly 3-4 miles to the lakes and little else. Not long after we started on the trail we realized that there were no signs anywhere to lead us and forks in the trail every 50 yards or so. We wandered the dusty desert trail for two and a half hours seeing no signs of water anywhere. Were the Ancient Lakes so ancient that they had long since dried up? We decided it was wise to head back in the direction that we had come since we were drinking our water supply away and definitly needed to find some source of water. Plus we had traveled more than the 3-4 miles and still saw no water.

We soon discovered the we had made the wrong choice several forks back and while we did not end up at the intended Ancient Lake we found ourselves at the shore of neighboring Dusty Lake. Let me just say that I let out a loud hallelujah as we came up over the final hill and I could see the water just a short distance off. We quickly ditched our packs and released our feet from the confines of our hiking boots. And a few of us even braved the water of Dusty Lake. One of the most refreshing swims of my life!

We pitched our tents, enjoyed sharing stories, laughing, devouring our dinner and even used the strobe feature on out headlamps for a dance party. I love the simple, quirky pleasures that come to be when you are left with only yourself and the people you are with out in open, wild spaces. It is good to be reminded of how little we need in order to find joy.

I didn't take to many pictures but here are a few...

The Wisdom of Kincaid Chance

2007-08-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

I have been reading my way through The Brothers K by David James Duncan. It is a book that came to me highly recommended and I would recommend it just as highly. But that is not why I am writing. I wanted to share a few lines that I read from this beautiful book this week.

These are the thoughts of Kincaid, the youngest of the Chance brothers, and the narrator of the story.

"It's incredible to me how blithely even intelligent people sometimes toss around terms like 'transcendence' and 'crucifixion.' The words move us on paper. They feel noble upon the tongue. But when they cease to be sounds and begin to caress the flesh and bones, when they leave the page and get physical, there is little that even the best of us wouldn't do to escape them. (Matthew 26:39: Jesus 'went a little further, and fell on his face...')"

How poetically the struggle between the the desire to be transformed and the comfort of staying as we are has been captured. I know I wrestle with this most days. I am glad that Kincaid has reminded me that even Christ himself did wrestle too.

The Joys of Summer

2007-07-10T15:18:00.000-07:00

I have found that there are many lessons to be learned from the way the earth moves through the four season. Each season with its own unique pace. And with the recent stretch of amazing weather in Seattle I am reveling in the joys of summer and soaking in the lessons that this season has to to teach me.

If I had to sum up all that summer is in one word I think that word would have to be Freedom. Everything about summer seems to be an ivitation to abandon any worry and find rest in the simple things. There are more hours of daylight to enjoy, the weather warmer to beckon us outdoors, fewer obligations to keep us from the things we love. I find it easier to live in the moment during summer.

I know that these days hold rare and wonderful treasures that will fade a way more quickly then I would like. So I will sit in each of these moments and let them make their mark deep in my heart and memory. This morning I woke up feeling so happy and content. In part because I have been so blessed during these last few weeks. The summer is still so young and already I have had enough wonderful memories to make my heart overflow.

Sitting by the lake enjoying dinner and ice cream with friends.

Laughing and leaping in a grassy field as we tossy the frisbee.

Canoeing amongst a maze of waterlilies.

Making friends with a playful seal pup while kayaking.

Dancing with sparklers in hand under an almost full moon.

Long walks up and down the hills of my neighborhood.

Reading on a grassy hill in the warm sun.

Ferry rides with the wind in our hair.

Looking forward to making more memories and enjoying all that summer has to offer!

Questions

2007-06-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

I find that often times my mind is a whirlwind of questions. Wonderings of what could have been and what will be swirling through my brain. I know that I am not unique in my condition. As I have been working my way through "The Rock That is Higher" by Madeleine L'Engle she reminds me constantly that I am a finite being living in a story authored by an infinite God. So of course I will spend much time wrestling with not knowing.

As I have read, these words jumped off the page, "Life is full of questions, and we are free to ask them, to understand, occasionally, that we are not going to get an answer or at least not the answer we expect, and then we are called to move on. But I believe that God encourages us to ask questions." It is in the call to move on that I find the most difficulty. Instead I am a master of holding on and letting my questions pave the way to more questions. This can be so dangerous. I find that my questions pull me away from the here and now and cause me to live in the unchangeable past or the unknown future. I can't help but wonder what I have missed in my life because I was not fully present in that moment. There I go, asking another question.

L'Engle goes on later to say, "But whatever our experience is, God is there, in it with us, as God was in the fiery furnace with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. That isn't really an answer, but it's all we're going to get, and it's enough." I love how frank Madeleine can be. There is one common theme that is present when I look at the Bible, the history of the world, and the history of my own life. God is there...authoring, ochestrating. When I don't know the answers it doesn't matter. I need only trust that God is there by my side, leading me to what comes next.

Rainer Maria Rilke says it like this, "...I want to beg you...to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to love the questions themselves.... Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

Could it be that there is more to be learned from the asking of a question than in the receiving of the answer?

Summer Reading

2007-06-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

This weekend I finish up the book "Many Waters" by Madeliene L'Engle, the final book in the Time Quartet. It was a beautiful story that I have taken much truth from and thoughts continue to come to mind as I think back on the story. And after coming off of such an enjoyable read I feel inspired to think ahead to what books I would like to read this summer.

I think one book that I will read is David James Duncan's "The Brothers K." My friend Amy is always recommending it and considering that baseball is a major theme of the book it seems like an appropriate read for the summer. I think I will also make some room for more of L'Engle's work, after all she is my favorite author. "The Rock That Is Higher" by L'Engle was recently recommended to me by another friend and sounds like a great work of non-fiction to help spark creativity. And I am sure that I will find some poetry to mix in with the rest.

Summer is one of my favorite times for reading. A lot of people might think that is strange. But I love grabbing a good book and heading to the park or my favorite cafe to sit in the sun and get lost in a good story. Something about the summer sun helps be to slow down enough to really enjoy a good read. Perhaps it is the longer hours of daylight. With more hours in the day I feel less guilty about spending a few hours with my nose in a book.

I hope that everyone else has some great books that you are looking forward to jumping into this summer. I'd love to hear any recommendation you all have.

I don't give up!

2007-05-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

I find that some of the most important lessons that I have learned in my life have come while I have been out amongst the trees and rocks, mountains and streams. It is out in nature away from the distractions of life that I find myself with a heart that is more open and free to receive truth and beauty. A few weeks ago I have the chance to visit the Olympic National Park for the first time. And I was so in awe of the things that I saw in that place. Every turn made way to a new beauty more inspiring then the view before. But these views were not free. I have found that all of the most beautiful places in the world take hard work to get to. Perhaps that is why they are so beautiful.

The hike to the top of Hurricane Hill was no different. There is still much snow up in the heights of the Olympic mountains this time of year and the roads that led to our trailhead were still thick with snow. We had to hike nearly 2 miles through ankle deep snow just to get to the trailhead. I was ill prepared for hiking in snow, wearing only a pair of running shoes with insufficiant traction and no water-proofing. But thankfully I did have wool socks that at least kept my wet feet warm. I wore jeans and attempted to keep dry in the snow by wearing my rain pants over them, but apparently enough of my jeans were exposed to the wet snow and acted like a wick which made my jeans completely wet my the time we reached the summit. Not to mention my hiking muscles were very out of shape.

I made the climb with a group of very athletic folks and avid hikers who often left me in the dust (or snow in this case). I found myself having to face some of those demons along the way that pop up to say I am not good enough, strong enough, or capable enough to make the journey. (I felt like Much Afraid in the book "Hinds Feet on High Places" much of the hike.) I wanted to give up so many times along the way. At one point I took a pretty bad fall when my legs slipped out from under me in the snow. I landed first on my wrist and then my face. I even stopped at one point, telling everyone to go on without me because I was planning to turn back before reaching the summit.

I sat for a few minutes in solitude on the side of that mountain and as I looked out on the majestic views somehow I managed to muster up the strength and will to go and meet my friends at the top. The journey back was even more of a challange then the trip to the top, for the snowiest portion of the hike was uphill on the way back.

It is always a humbling experience for me to hike. Down at Sea Level on even ground I am able to move around with ease. But up in the higher elevations with steep ascents and descents, rocks and snow to contend with, I become very aware of my short comings. This can be both a tremndous blessing and a huge challange. I am reminded on the heights that it takes great will to press through pain, doubt, and discouragement. But it is so important to push through to experience the gifts that wait on the other side.

Here are a few more pictures from my hike on Hurricane Ridge in the Olympic National Park.

The Role of a Lifetime

2007-04-13T15:45:00.000-07:00

Act III, Scene II

by Madeleine L'Engle

Someone has altered the script.
My lines have been changed.
The other actors are shifting roles.
They don't come on when they're expected to,
and they don't say the lines I've written
and I'm being upstaged.
I thought I was writing this play
with a rather nice role for myself,
small, but juicy
and some excellent lines.
But nobody gives me my cues
and the scenery has been replaced
and I don't recognize the new sets.
This isn't the script I was writing.
I don't understand this play at all.

To grow up
is to find
the small part you are playing
in this extrordinary drama
written by
someone else.

An Easter Tradition

2007-04-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

One thing that I truly love about holidays are the traditions. Since moving to Seattle and being aways from my family for many holidays I have been able to create some new traditions for myself and friends. The Easter tradition that I love the most is my annual trip to Skagit Valley to see the tulip fields in bloom.

This year I was joined by Andrea (our 3rd trip together) and Holly (a new comer to the tradition). We started the morning with some tasty gingerbread waffles at my house, then church before heading off to see the tulips. While the weather in Seattle seemed promising in the morning the further north we went the more ominous the sky became. It was quite cold and windy but we still managed to have fun and enjoy the beautiful display. It only started pouring rain when we were just about done making the trek around the field.

Rain or shine the tulips are always an amazing sight.

When Dreams Collide

2007-04-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

Today many Seattle dining establishments are doing a very important thing and donating part (25%) of all sales to relief efforts in Darfur. For more info go to www.dinefordarfur.org. So to support this event the girls from the office and I made a trip to Caffe Fiore (one of the participatng establishments) this morning. It was great to get out of the office for a short time to be in the bright sunshine and do something good for the world, not to mention our tummies. It was my newest co-worker, kate's, first trip to Fiore and as the friendly barista handed up our delicious lattes Kate commented on the hand-stamped cups. Who knew that this would bring about the collision of a dream that both Kate and I share.

I responded to Kate's observation by saying that, someday, when I own my own cafe that I would do the same. Kate then told me that she dreamed of one day owning a cafe too. And as we shared our visions we both became really excited that we shared the same thoughts and ideas of what we wanted our cafe to be like. So right there on the spot we decided that we should pursue this dream together.

Could it be fate that on the day after posting about pursuing one dream that I should find a friend who shares the same passion and excitment for opening a cafe? While it will take a lot of effort and financing to make this dream come true I am excited at the thought of pursuing it and seeing what unfolds from here. Kate would be an amazing business partner because family once owned a bakery so she is talented in the art of baking (for everyone likes a sweet treat with their coffee) and knows what goes into running a small business. I will do more considering if this is the "one" dream that I pour myself into, but I must say it seems quite promising. I'll keep you posted.

To Pick One Dream...and Pursue It

2007-04-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

In a recent effort to do some cleaning around the house I came across a stack of birthday cards that I received last year. I read through the messages to see what words of friendship and love I could find. One card in particular contained words that still, days later, are ringing in my ears. Every now and then a friend can blow you out of the water with the depth of insight that they bring. Reading the card from my friend Eric was one of those experiences.

The words that I cannot seem to shake are these. "Take one dream and pursue it, please. For it would be such a waste for such talent and passion to go unused."

A few days before the birthday that Eric and I share we got into a conversation where Eric dared to ask about what my dreams for the future are. Oh, how I hate that question! I have said before that I am a dreamer so my hatred of that question has nothing to do with having nothing to offer up as an answer. My loathing comes from fear. I fear that in speaking a dream aloud, sharing it with another human soul, that somehow if I am not able to bring that dream to fruition that I have failed miserably and that I have disappointed the one to whom the dream is shared. So when someone has the audacity to ask me what my dreams are I tend to speak in vague generalities to save us both any future disappointment.

Eric's comment came, and still comes, to me as a rare mix of loving encouragement and gentle rebuke that only a friend can offer. He caught me being cautious and non-committal with my dreams and gave be a nudge to let go of the fear I have of my own dreams. I don't know if that was Eric's intention in saying what he did or perhaps he became a momentary mouthpiece of God. Nonetheless, these words speak with great power into the hidden places of my heart where I hide my dreams.

All this has led me to think that it is time to follow the words of my friend and pick one dream. One dream to explore and get to know, not be afraid of. One dream to nurture and pursue. So in the days ahead I will pull my many dreams out into the light and see which one stirs the most excitement in my heart when I think of pouring myself into its pursuit. And then I will muster up the courage to share that dream and begin the journey. Wish me luck.

Sunshine, Flip Flops, and Other Signs of Spring

2007-03-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

There are few ways that I let on about my Southern California upbringing, but my love of flip flops if one. In my humble opinion naked feet are happy feet and the next best thing to no shoes at all are flip flops. So this morning on this sunny spring day the choice was clear...I shall wear flip flops.

Part of the reason that my choice of footwear is so noteworthy is because this is the first day of the year that I have felt confident that flip flops would be suitable all day long. The sun is shining, the chance of rain seems non-existent, and it is warm enough that my little toes won't freeze. This shift in the weather (although who knows how long it will last) is very welcome indeed.

There are other signs that spring is here, paving the way for summer warmth and sun. Everywhere you look there are patches of color as daffodils and tulips open their glorious petals. The magnolia trees are full of the vibrant and rotund blossoms. The new leaves are pushing their way to the end of every tree branch. I love this time of year in Seattle. I have never seen a more beautiful display.

The Difficulty in Dreaming

2007-03-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

I have always been one who considers herself a dreamer. I love to sit and ponder the possibilities that life holds and wonder what adventures wait for me in the future. But recently I have found myself slipping into a fog of disillusionment. For as much hope can be found in dreaming, often times there is equally as much disappointment. See, dreaming requires much forward thinking, an ability to see beyond the here and now. And this kind of vision is not always so easy to come by.

Yesterday I was reminded that we are called to be dreamers in spite of the fact that dreams may not always come true. God plants a dream in our hearts not always to bless us with its fulfillment but to use us as a tool for laying the foundation for its fulfillment.

I will admit that I have mixed feelings about this revelation. I feel discouraged at the thought that the things I so deeply long for may not be realized in my life. But then my heart is lifted in the promise that there is a purpose in the dreaming and it will be made good, even if some where beyond my lifetime.

One Snowy Moment

2007-02-28T10:03:00.000-08:00

Not long ago the rain that has been falling in Seattle this morning turned into big fluffy snowflakes. The snow only lasted a moment but it was enough to fill my heart with delight. I love the gifts that God gives us if only we take the time to lift our eyes and gaze out the window.

In the past week or so all of the trees here are starting to grow tiny buds that will soon unfold to reveal vibrant flowers and springtime green. I love to watch the slow transformation from winter to spring time. Each day there is something new to see and enjoy.

Reunited...And it feels so good!

2007-02-27T15:05:00.000-08:00

This weekend was the wedding of my friend Janelle. I met Janelle when I lived in the dorms at SPU. So this weekend was a great reunion of many of my favorite old roommates/floor mates from SPU. Jessica came the farthest, traveling from NYC. Melissa traveled from Colorado. While Julia, Amber, Joy and myself made the drive down to Tacoma for the festivities.

It is rare indeed that I get to spend time with all these friends at once so the weekend was a real treat. Amber and Fred were gracious enough to let us invade their home for the weekend so we could maximize our time of being all in the same state. We had a lot of laughs. We did some catching up. And of course, we reminisced about all our old shenanigans. I love these friends so much and I am thankful for the chance to gather.

Here are just a few of the pictures from the wedding.

Joy, Melissa, Jessica, Me and Julia

Melissa and Jessica taking advantage of the open bar

The Usual Suspects
We caused a lot of mischief in our Second Hill days

Amber planting a big one on Fred (theirs was the last 2nd Hill wedding)

Ruben and Joy were the first in our group of friends to take the plunge.

It is official, I have scheduled a vacation

2007-02-21T15:11:00.000-08:00

After months of longing to take a trip somewhere I finally got a plane ticket. In April I will be off to Chicago to visit my dear friend Amanda, her husband Koji and their dog Penny (who is a new addition to the family since my last visit). It will just be for a long weekend but I am so excited. We talked on the phone last night to brain storm ideas for activities and I can't wait.

This picture is from my last visit. I treated Amanda and Koji to a Cubs game for being such great hosts. I think we may try to go to another Cubs game since my visit will coinside with the start of Baseball season. We also discussed a trip to the Shedd Aquarium. Amanda tells me it is like an indoor Sea World.

But mostly I am just looking forward to the time we will share just talking and catching up on life. I have known Amanda longer than any other friend I have. We have many stories in our 15 year history. This friend has been by my side for many important milesotnes in my life. As I see where I am now in life I think I owe much credit to my dear friend. After all I would never have known that SPU existed or fallen in love with Seattle if it weren't for Amanda. It is amazing how the presence of one person in your life can have such a strong impact. I am blessed by this friendship and excited to add some new stories to our history in April.

The Ache of Things Longed For

2007-02-20T10:03:00.000-08:00

In the last month or so many friends have been revealing happy new developments in life. This Saturday I was part of a surprise engagement party for my friends Suzie and Jeremy (Jeremy proposed earlier in the evening and surprised Suzie with a celebration with our friends). My friend, Sandra, from SPU days recently shared the news that she is now engaged. My dear friend Kristen recently announced that she is pregnant, while my friend Nicole is getting ready to welcome her new baby girl into the world next month. Then this coming Saturday I will be attending the wedding of another college friend Janelle. And then at the end of March my dear friends Audrey and Dan will be tying the knot too.

While I am overjoyed by the happiness so many friends are finding these days I can't help but feel an ache in my own heart. Marriage, starting a family...these are things that I so long to have some day in my life. Over the past several years, as I have really started growing into my adult skin, I realize more and more that these longings are woven deep in the fabric of who I am. How strange it is that God should allow us to long so deeply for things that seem so out of reach.

More often than not I feel content to live the life that I have been given and to find joy in the current state of things. But every now and then that little ache in my heart acts up. I begin to wonder when it will be my turn to see my longings fulfilled. While it can be easy to give in and let that ache grow and overcome me I wish instead to find hope in it. I want that ache to push be to recognize that our lives are ever unfolding, always changing. I want to look back and see the proof of longings fulfilled in my life and know that the pattern will continue on.

Remember You Are Chosen

2007-02-16T08:25:00.000-08:00

Two times in my life I have had the most beautiful gift of a butterfly resting from its flight on my body. The first encounter came when I was maybe 6 years old and carving a pumpkin in the front yard for Halloween. A beautiful monarch butterfly landed on my shoulder and sat with me awhile. As a child it was magical to know that this butterfly had chosen me for a perch to rest upon. In a garden full of beautiful plants and flowers this butterfly chose me.

The second butterfly descended on me as I walked through a butterfly garden about 4 years ago. I rested my hand on the railing of a bridge and a delicate yellow and black butterfly landed on my hand. I could feel the tickle of it's almost weightless body. I marveled at the sensation and the sight. I didn't want to move for fear of scaring off my new friend. I felt the same magic that I had as a 6 year old, the joy of being chosen.

But lately the magic has been forgotten and I have felt anything but chosen. Forgotten and overlooked are much better descriptions for my current state. I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself in all the hurt and disappointment that comes with being in relationship with other human beings (who are equally flawed as myself). Then in the midst of all that self pity I remembered these encounters with the butterflies. I remembered that I was chosen, and not just once. I must take these memories and move forward with a hopeful heart that I will be chosen again.

Learning to Love...

2007-02-14T08:49:00.000-08:00

To Have Without Holding
by Marge Piercy

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.

It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives, then
of sharp knives.

It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch; to love and let
go again and again. It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave
without air, to love consciously,
conscientiously, concretely, constructively.

I can't do it, you say it's killing
me, but you thrive, you glow
on the street like a neon raspberry,
You float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor's button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole the rhythm
of our unbound bonding, to have
and not to hold, to love
with minimized malice, hunger
and anger moment by moment balanced.

The Hope of Things to Come

2007-02-01T11:42:00.000-08:00

Since the start of the new year I have been filled with a hopefulness that had been missing in the last few months of 2006. I was talking to my dear friend Melanie about the strange sensation of joy returning to my heart and she smiled and said it was because hope has returned.

The past few days of sunshine have reminded me of the hopefulness in waiting for the spring. I know that soon the temperature will be warming, trees will return to their leafy grandeur and tiny blossoms of color will push through the soil. I think that this is a beautiful metaphor for the seasons of life. While it is guaranteed that we will know seasons of lose and disappointment it is just as sure that we will push through those seasons to know hope and peace once again.

I am so thankful for the way that God uses nature to teach me His truth, remind me of His faithfulness. I still have so many questions about the future and the things that await me there, but for now I think I will just rest in the peace of a heart full of hope.

Do I Dare?

2007-01-29T11:46:00.000-08:00

If you have been reading my blog in the past month than you may already know about my longing for Boldness. As I make small steps toward boldness I am realizing more and more that this is a risky undertaking. I am in need of substantial encouragement and nudging if I am to make great strides.

The words of others that have gone before me seem to say that there is little in life that isn't worth the risk.

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." ~T.S. Eliot

"To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free." ~William Arthur Ward

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

The Beauty of This Sight

2007-01-26T11:31:00.000-08:00

About 6 years ago I was introduced to one of the most glorious sights I have ever seen, the Skagit Valley carpeted with row upon row for bright and beautiful tulips.

I have made it an annual tradition to make a trip up north every Easter for the past 5 years to celebrate. Last year was particularly beautiful with the contrast of the ominous, gray sky and the brilliant colors on the earth. Only a few more months till the tulips are in bloom again!

It has been a great week of sharing! Thanks so much to all of you out there who joined in the fun. We will all have to do it again sometime. Happy weekend to all!

Do I Have to Pick Just One Sound?

2007-01-25T10:54:00.000-08:00

I think picking a favorite sound is the hardest one yet. When ever playing "Would you rather..." and the inevitable question of would you rather lose your hearing or your sight comes up I always answer sight. I think I could learn to function and enjoy life without my eyes. But a life without music, hearing I loves you's, or laughter sounds like more then I could bear.

I guess if I have to pick just one sound I love it would be uncontrollable laughter. You know the kind when you can't help but snort and your eyes start to water.

As I was looking back through old pictures trying to find one that captured such laughter I couldn't pass this one up. This is from a camping trip I took with my old roommates. In an attempt to keep ourselves occupied be began finding new uses for our camping gear. This is jumping rope with Tent poles. As you can see we are all doubled over laughing. I can always count on these friends to make me laugh my hardest!

A Touch I Cannot Wait For

2007-01-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

Lately it seems that I have babies on the brain. I have a friend who is due in March, friends who are currently marveling at their new babies, and I found out recently that my sister is pregnant and I will be an Auntie soon. And as I think of a favorite touch I can think of none sweeter than the soft, silkiness of a babies skin. I especially love when they wrap their tiny fingers around one of mine and hold on so tightly. There is so much mystery and beauty in that tiny touch.

I am especially looking forward to meeting my new little Neice or Nephew and holding those tiny little fingers in mine.

A Taste I Savor

2007-01-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

Today I was reminded of a taste I love...Homemade Macaroni and Cheese.

I have an amazing recipe that I found in a pasta cookbook I have for Creamy Macaroni and Cheese. Before I tried the recipe I don't think that I had ever had Mac and Cheese made the old fashioned way. When I took the first bite I was in love. At the very thought of it I can actually begin to taste the tangy sour cream and sharp cheddar cheese. It is my favorite comfort food to make when I am sad or on a gray gloomy day.

I think I might have to cook up a batch this week to satisfy my tastebuds.

I Think I'll Start with Favorite Smell

2007-01-22T13:54:00.000-08:00

Just a few blocks from my apartment there is a place I know that I am sure to find my favorite smell. I love when I have the chance to walk by and breathe in deep the smell of fresh lumber.

I know it is a somewhat strange smell to love but I can't help it. I have always loved that smell. I think it goes back to my childhood days. My dad has always been quite the carpenter. He has built cabinets for our house, shelving for the garage, sailboats, canoes, and endless other little things. As a child I loved to make my way out to the the garage and "work" along side my dad as he built so many beautiful things. Occasionally I would get to tag along on trips to the lumberyard. I always thought it was a big treat. After all I never say other little girls at the lumberyard, I must be truly special to be there.

So when ever I catch the scent of lumber in the air I pause...breathe in deep...and remember.

This Week is for Favorites

2007-01-22T13:26:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends. This week I decided a theme was in order to help give me some inspiration for my blog. I decided that sharing some of my favorite things with you would be fun. But seeing how I am just a Monday-Friday blogger I was feeling a little daunted by picking just 5 favorites. Then with the number 5 in my mind I instantly thought of the 5 senses. So I will pick one each of my favorite taste, touch, sight, smell and sound. Still a challange but one I think I can tackle with confidence.

And I would love it if all my blogging friends joined in the fun and shared some of their favorites this week.

A Stroll in the Snow

2007-01-18T14:25:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday morning this was the scene I woke up to outside my window. So I bundled up and grabbed my camera to go for a walk and enjoy the loveliness of my neighborhood. It made me happy to hear the crunching on the snow under my feet. I thought I would share some of the pictures that I took on my stroll. Enjoy!

The Truth About Snowflakes

2007-01-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

During the glorious snow fall on Saturday I made an exciting discovery. I will start by explaining that I spent the first 20 years of my life in Huntington Beach, CA. We didn't get any snow there ever! I saw snow plenty of times before I moved to Seattle, but I think I only ever saw it falling once or twice in my California days. Then all the times it has snowed in Seattle it has been a somewhat wet snow that clumps together.

But Saturday as my friend Andrea (also from southern California) and I ventured out into the snow we were so excited by what we say. Andrea exclaimed, "They are little Stars!" And with that we were both examining every flake that landed on our sleeves and mittens. It was amazing! Snowflakes really look like snowflakes! I don't know the last time I was overcome by such awe. I was keenly aware of God in that moment. How could anyone who ever say a snowflake, so perfectly crafted and intricately beautiful, think that it just happened by chance? As I saw those little stars and the great care with which they had been formed I thought of how much more care went into making me.

I don't think that I will ever look at snow the same again!

It is already January 15th?

2007-01-15T10:17:00.000-08:00

It is hard for me to believe that it is already January 15th. And I am sad to see that this is the first post of the new year. I have some good reasons. I have yet to know a day of full health in 2007. I have a had a nasty cold that just won't go away. I am getting better but I am not quite there yet. Then with my trip to CA for Christmas and missing work because I was sick I had quite a bit to catch up on when I returned to work. But needless to say I am here and blogging once again.

I have been doing some thinking over the last 15 days about the lovely little tradition of New Year's Resolutions. The part of me that lacks discipline wants to run screaming when I hear the words "New Year's Resolutions," but my romantic nature wins over and the thought of a fresh start and the hope of accomplishing wonderful things in my life calls me to set some goals for myself.

When I sarted looking back on 2006 and examining the goings on of the year I asked myself one question. What was lacking? In the situations in my life that didn't go as I had hoped...What was lacking? Not what was lacking from the situation that was out of my control, mind you, but what was lacking within myself?

A big thing that I was lacking in 2006 was BOLDNESS. I can think of numerous situations in the last year that could have turned out so differently had I just stepped out from behind my fears in boldness. I think I do a good job most of the time of convincing those around me that I am a bold and daring person, but really I am quite a timid girl. So often I have a conviction on my heart and do not speak it, a word of encouragement for another and keep it to myself, a feeling that I can't ignore but take no action because of fear. This is one of the the things about myself that I so long to have transformed. There is a verse in Proverbs (3:27-28) that says, "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is within your power to act. Do not say to your neighbor, 'Come back tomorrow' - when you now have it with you." These words haunt me. This could very well be my biggest short coming. How often have I not been bold thinking that I will get another chance tomorrow and then tomorrow never comes? Too often to let myself continue on this way.

There are other "Laundry List" type things I would like to accomplish this year that I won't go into here. They are the usual list of things that most of us resolve to do in the new year. But for me I want this year to be marked by moments of boldness. To speak my heart, to pursue my dreams, and to be a person of action. When the year is coming to a close I want to look back on it and see relationships that have grown in depth and strength, foundations laid for dreams fulfilled, and so much more because boldness has taken hold in my life.

So with that, I will be on my way...I have some important matters to attend to.

The Countdown is Coming

2006-12-30T21:40:00.000-08:00

It is so hard for me to believe that at this time tomorrow I will be preparing to countdown the seconds before the clock strikes midnight when one year will end and another one begins. I always remembered hearing adults talking about how they felt like the years just keep going by faster and faster when I was a kid. It always sounded like such a strange idea to me, but now I fully understand what they were talking about. It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in 2006 and thinking up "New Year's Resolutions."

I was just looking back on a post I made at the beginning of the year to reflect on my 2006 resolutions and see how I did. And I was pleased. My resolutions weren't your traditional laundry list of specific things to accomplish, but rather a few key ideas I wanted to find ways of embracing. This year I focused on community, creativity and courage.

I can see so many ways in which these 3 things were fulfilled throughout the year. Many new friends entered my life, as did commitments toward being a more active participant in my existing communities (co-leading a bible study for college women at my church and being a regular in the worship ministry also). I spent time working on new songs and being more diligent about playing my guitar daily. I also branched out in my knitting and moved from simply making scarves to knitting hats as well. Could a sweater be on the horizon in 2007? And courage played a part in all these things as I stepped out from the comfortable and familiar to see what joy could be found in the glorious unknown.

I have already begun to contemplate what I would like to work on in 2007. And seeing how well 2006 went I am eager to begin anew and see what adventures lie ahead. Blessings to all as you reflect on the closing of another year and hope for what awaits us in the next!

Treasures From Under The Tree

2006-12-29T14:19:00.000-08:00

My friend Kristen had the brilliant idea of posting photographs of her Christmas gifts. Since I am still in California and it will be a little while before I can show folks my new treasures I thought I would follow Kristen's lead.

Here is a festive little sock monkey that Santa brought for me.
A new wool coat from Mom & Dad to replace my very tattered pea coat.

Some new games from Mom & Dad! We already tried out Turbo Yahtzee and it was so much fun. Much laughter will flow from these games for sure.

Some fingerless glove/mittens from Mom & Dad to keep me worm at the bus stop this winter.

My parents also got me some new Keen's. They are so comfy and I think they shall be my new favorite shoes.

This lovely crocheted scarf and hat were given by my sister, Lisa, and her husband, Andrew.

And last but certainly not least this fabulous pair of pajamas from my parents. Somehow my mom manages to find the perfect gift. Sock monkey + pajamas = Happy Bree!

I hope you all are enjoying your new treasures!

If Scrooge Can Do It, So Can I

2006-12-18T08:52:00.000-08:00

Transformation is a tricky thing. I long desperately for it, yet somehow when I begin to feel it taking place I cringe and seem to pull away. How can this be so?

Saturday night I witnessed another man wrestle with this same thing. I attended a performance of A Christmas Carol at the Act Theatre. It was a marvelous perfomance and each of the players did an amazing job. And for 90 minutes I watched as Ebenizer Scrooge wrestled with his own transformation.

I found myself identifying with Scrooge in many ways. His life had been filled with heartache, dissapointment and bad choices. Somehow in the midst of all that hurt he decided it would be best not to feel anymore. He hardened his heart and kept out all those around him that longed to show him grace and love. It took 4 ghosts and a trip through time and space to tear down the walls that had entombed his soul. In the end Scrooge sees that to risk heartache, dissapointment, and bad choices is the only way to find true joy and life.

I loved the transformed Scrooge. He was so undignified, so wreckless and carefree. He danced and shouted in the street. The years of holding everything back were replaced with an explosion of joy and generosity.

On the whole I am no "Scrooge", but I have my moments. Lately I have found myself apathetic to the world around me, somehow unable to care or feel much for anything. A condition I fear, if left unchecked, will turn into full blown Scrooge-like behavior. So I must search for transformation. In spite of the terrifying "ghosts" that I might have to face up to I must open my arms to welcome transformation. That's the thing with transformation, it isn't easy or comfortable, but it is the only way to make our broken lives whole again.

It will take a miracle to transform me into what I am truly meant to be but this is the season for miracles, isn't it? This is the time when God sent his Son from heaven to live on earth among us. The most precious gift of a Savior to walk beside us and help us be transformed by His love and grace. A Savior who came to show us how to be made new, made whole.

A Poem to Ponder

2006-12-15T15:37:00.000-08:00

As we head into the final weekend before Christmas I thought I would leave you with a poem to ponder. I know so often I find myself swept up in the excitment of the season. There are gifts to buy, festive parties to attend, and travels to be made to visit loved ones. It is easy to lose sight of what Christmas is all about.

I found this in a collection of poems by Madeleine L'Engle (Best known as the author of A Wrinkle in Time). Her poems are beautiful and full of challenge. She has so many poems in particular about what Christmas really means. This one is short and yet holds more power and truth than many works twice its size. I hope that it will stir your heart as it has mine.

After Annunciation
by Madeleine L'Engle

This is the irrational season
When love blooms bright and wild.
Had Mary been filled with reason
There'd have been no room for the child.

Dusting off the old keyboard

2006-12-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

This past week I received a message from a dear old friend who told me that she missed reading my blog and hoped that I would begin to post again. I am not entirely sure why it has been so long since my last post. I suppose there are many reasons. Work gets busy. Thoughts feel too muffled to even begin the task of writing them out. The calendar fills up with activities and before you know it months pass you by.

As I look back at the past year of blogging I love to read back over old posts and remember the things that have been thinking about this year, the places I have been, the adventure I have had. It's like a journal, only better. Not only my thoughts are captured here but photographs and encouraging words from friends. What a treasure to have such a cronicle of the past year. I feel a desire stirring in my heart to rededicate myself to writing more frequently on this little blog of mine.

But first I think an apology is due.

My dear Blog,
I am so sorry that I have neglected you so these past few months. I have missed you and the space you give me to explore my own thoughts and hopes and fears. You have been so gracious to humor my little ramblings on life. There are no excuses that are good enough to forgive my negligence. Please except this apology for my absence and know that I will do my best to mend my ways.
Yours Truly,
Bree

My Bags Aren't Packed, But I'm Ready To Go

2006-08-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I will make my way from my little apartment in Seattle and arrive a few hours later in my hometown of Huntington Beach, CA. I have been longing for some travels. A chance to escape from work and responsibility to spend my days with loved ones enjoying a good laugh or a hug that I have been craving.

The majority of my long weekend will be spent with my family. Celebrating my moms birthday, meeting my sister's new kittens, and laughing so hard that my side aches with the best kind of pain. My mom and I are even planning a trip to Disneyland to satisfy the little girl that still lives in each of us. My dad, unfortunately, will be working during most of my visit, but I will see him enough to get lots of hugs (he gives great hugs).

And there will be time for old friends too. Time to catch up, an activity that the distance between Seattle and Huntington Beach robs us of. Time to celebrate to milestones that have come up in the months since we were last together. Old memories will be visited and laughter will most definitely flow.

I feel thankful on the eve of my journey home. Thankful for a life that is so rich in love. Thankful for a family that means more to me than words can say. Thankful for the faithfullness of friends who have walked with me so many years. Ah, I am blessed indeed!

Wrestling with Worship

2006-08-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

A few dats ago I have a good conversation with a dear friend that started stirring many thoughts and questions in my heart about "Worship". I have been involved on various levels with the worship ministries at the two churches I have been a part of over the past 14 years and yet I still wrestle with questions like...What is worship? How should I worship? What does authentic worship look like personally? What does it look like in the church?

As the questions started to swirl in my brain, rather than stew in my overwhelmed state, I pulled a book off of my shelf that I had read a couple of years ago as I wrestled with the same kinds of questions. The book is called Unceasing Worship by Harold Best. I skimmed through the chapters and read passages that I had underlined during my frist read. I was encouraged, not beacause I found all the answers neatly summerized, but because I found truths that gently nudged me to think deeper on the root of the problems I encounter when I wrestle with worship.

This is How Mr. Best begins his book...

Worship is at once about who we are, about who or what our god is and about how we choose to live. It is about something that is quite simple but wrapped in a mystery. It is about God himself, who has but one face and whose face has been clearly shown in the person and work of his only begotten Son. It is about a world in which worship takes on a thousand faces. It is also about Satan, dressed as an angel of light, disarmingly attractive yet inherently false, whose faces are cleverly multiplied and whose one desire is to undo what has already been done from the eternities.

The thousand faces of worship contain both deadened and lively countenances. They are the lost and the found, all of whom are continuous worshippers, for as the title of this chapter states, nobody does not worship. We begin with one fundemental fact about worship: at this very moment, and for as long as this world endures, everybody inhabiting it is bowing down and serving something or someone - an artifact, a person, an institution, an idea, a spirit, or God through Christ. Everyone is being shaped thereby and is growing up toward some measure of fullness, whether of righteousness or of evil. No one is exempt and no one can wish to be. We are, every one of us, unceasing worshipers and will remain so forever, for eternity is an infinite extrapolation of one of two conditions: a surrender to the sinfulness of sin
unto infinite loss or the commitment of personal righteousness unto infinite gain. This is the central fact of our existence, and it drives every other fact. Within it lies the story of creation, fall, redemption and new creation or final loss.

In reading this passage I see that my questions of when and where worship should happen are not the right questions to be asking, at least not at first. Because worship is taking place in every heart in every corner of all the world. Worship is not an exlusively Christian word. It seems that the really question is Who or What am I worshiping in this moment? And this is a question that we must ask ourselves in every moment.

Later this week I will be entering into a conversation with a small handful of people from my church to discuss the worship ministry at our church. It is my understanding that this time will be for sharing ideas and casting a new vision for moving in a new direction in our times of corperate worship. And as I think of the words above I feel a little conflicted in stepping into the conversation. This meeting seems a call to ask the how and when questions but I don't think we have yet truly visited the Who and Why questions.

I know that deep in my core I was made to be an unceasing worshipper and one who is whole heartedly wrapped up in Christ. But I also know that my vision often times gets cast to far and I overlook the need to answer the questions of who do I worship and why. I want to ask those questions fervently over the next few days and weeks. I want to center my heart back on the one for whom it was created.

Welcome, Dear Weekend! Welcome!

2006-08-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

It is Friday afternoon and there is an anticipation building up for all the fun that lies ahead. This summer it feels like the weekends have been so full of the most glorious of fun. Sometimes planned and sometime spontanious. We must drink up these summer weekends while we can for fall will soon be upon us.

I have been wanting to post some pictures for my adventure last weekend to tiny Hat Island but just recently had the time to upload my photos. A small group of us made the journey from the Everett marine on the MV Holiday to join a most gracious and generous couple from our church at their island getaway. We walked the shrinking beach as the tide came in and enjoyed the scenery. We enjoyed conversation as we basked in the sun overlooking the Sound. We watched the Mukilteo/Clinton ferries pass each other like clockwork and would marvel at the sight when the two ferries momentarily became one ferry.

Heidi & Mel walking the beach

Tim, Audrey, Dan & Don explore on ahead

Me & Heidi (I decided to wear my hat in honor of our trip to Hat Island)

Mel & I carved our names in the sandy cliffs along the beach so others might know we were there.

A new friend I made on our walk back to the house.

The tide came in before we could make it back to the house so we had to do a little walking on water (the sandbar helped immensely).

And there was much to see on the boat ride to and from the island.

Now, cheers to another weekend filled with fun and adventures.

Remember How To Walk On Water?

2006-08-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I finished off the last chapters of Madeleine L'Engle's Walking on Water, a beautiful collection of her thoughts on art and faith, and what it means to be a Christian Artist. This was the second time I have read this book. The first time was several years ago before I would have ever thought to call myself an artist. But reading these reflections again, this time as someone who is growing more and more to claim the title "artist" as her own, I was so challenged and encouraged to reclaim all the beautiful qualities that God so longs for me to live out. To be fully vulnerable, to believe in the impossible, to have faith beyond what I know, to trust unflinchingly that God is guiding and holding my life safely in His hands.

While there are words too numerous to count that I wish to quote here, I will settle for just one passage.

When Jesus called Peter to come to him across the water, Peter, for one brief, glorious moment, remembered how and strode with ease across the lake. This is how we are meant to be, and then we forget, and we sink.But if we cry out for help (as Peter did) we will be pulled out of the water; we won't drown. And if we listen, we will hear; and if we look, we will see.
The impossible still happens to us, often during the work, sometimes when we are so tired that inadvertently we let down all the barriers we have built up. We lose our adult skepticism and become once again children who can walk down their grandmother’s stairs without touching.
It is my hope that one day I will remember how to walk on water.

Happy Memories

2006-08-04T10:50:00.000-07:00

It is a friday and things around the office are a little slow. I have iTunes playing to keep me company while I work (or try to work). Sufjan Stevens is playing now. And as the song Casimir Pulaski Day plays I find my mind drifting back to a happy memory. It's ironic really since the song itself is actually quite sad.

It was about a year ago. The birthday party was over and only a few of us remained to help clean up and enjoy each others company a little longer. Sufjan was singing to us on that summer night too. Something about the kitchen in that old house, so spacious and dimly light, and the music called to us to dance. We coupled off and taught each other dance moves we had learned along the way. We laughed and twirled. We played the song over and over again to perfect our moves.

It was such a simple act but there I was surrounded by friends I love so dearly and dancing without a care. It is a memory that I will cherish always. And anytime I hear Sufjan singing Casimir Pulaski Day I will dance a little, even if only in my heart.

A Farewell to Hair

2006-07-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

Last week I finally did it. After months of talking about it, I finally went and cut all my hair off and made a very long donation to Locks of Love. Here is are so photos from the occasion.

Look at how long my hair WAS. It won't even fit in the frame of the picture.

The stylist took a measurement to see how much hair I would be donating. It turned out to be a whopping 20 inches. Twice the minimum amount needed to donate to Locks of Love.

In the act of chopping that ponytail off. One of the strangest and liberating feelings there is!

And the finished Products!

Friday: Red

2006-06-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

Silver and Gold

2006-06-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

When I was little I was in the Girl Scouts. We had a song we used to sing that went like this...

Make new friends, but keep the old
One is silver and the other Gold

I am thinking of all the times I sang that song as a kid. And as I remember I realize that I had no real concept back then of what those words really meant. But today I am am fully aware of their beauty.

Yesterday was a day for golden friends. I had coffee and phone calls with some of my dearest friends who have been with me for years. And the past weekend was filled with many other old friends as we reunited for a wedding. It is so good to connect with these friends. The champions of my life that know my story and have walked with me through so many of life's ups and downs. Their love and support mean so much to me because their roots run deep in my soul and touch some of the most hidden places of my life. To my golden friends, I will keep you always in my heart as pillars of strength and love. I love you all and hope that I can be in some small measure the kind of friend you have been to me.

But not all my friends are gold. I have been blessed in recent months with many silver friends. Somehow, in the midst of a somewhat unchanging life, new people have drifted into my world and quickly endeared themselves to me. With kind words and hearts, laughter and joy they have found a place in my heart. There is an excitement that these new friendship bring as we learn and explore the new terrain. To my silver friends, Your presence blesses me and challanges me to grow and explore. I look forward to the many new adventures and memories your lives will bring to mine. And I look forward to that day when you will become golden too.

Thursday: Blue

2006-06-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Color Week

2006-06-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

Some friends of mine are doing a color week on their blogs and I thought I would join in the fun. Although I am off to a late start because of a busy week at work I still thought it would be fun to share.

Wednesday: Gray

She's here, She's here!!!!

2006-06-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

I am so excited! Late last night Kathleen and Brett rolled into town which means that my new moped is finally here! I am sooooooooooooooo excited. So after I get off work this afternoon I will head over to Brett and Kathleen's apartment to pick up my precious orange moped.

So to all my friends in Seattle, don't be surprised if I show up on your door step this weekend to show you my new ride.

A Weekend of Rest

2006-05-31T10:13:00.000-07:00

For the long Memorial Day weekend I had the opportunity to get away to the beautiful and peaceful San Juan Islands. Six of us made the journey to Friday Harbor for some much needed rest and relaxation.

This is how we filled our days. Our mornings started out slowly but surely as we all woke up to our own internal clocks. Then a hearty breakfast would follow. And then we would enjoy the view of the harbor and ferry terminal from the living room of the condo with good books and good music. I loved these times to just "be" and enjoy the break from all the usual things we find to keep ourselves busy in our everyday lives.

Our afternoons were the time for exploring outside. Somehow the clouds would part each afternoon and there was warmth and sun to be enjoyed. We explored the island. We went to the beach at Lime Kiln State Park in the hopes of seeing some Orcas off the coast, but all we saw were porpoises. We visited the Westcott Bay Sculpture park and got to interact with art in nature. And we also did a little kayaking in Roche harbor.

And our evenings always started with a fabulous dinner, where we would linger at the table long after the food was gone to enjoy the good company and the comical conversation. We watched movies and played games. And ate tasty brownies and ice cream.

All in all is was a fabulous weekend. I time of making new friends and enjoying new adventures. And as the ferry was about to pull out of Friday Harbor we finally got to see those Orcas. A pod passed by the mouth of the harbor and all though they were a long way off it was still an exciting sight to see. And the perfect end to a wonderful weekend!

This just in...

2006-05-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

So last night I got a call from Brett. And he had just picked up my sweet new ride. So with out further ado here is my beautiful little moped...

In just a matter of days she will make the journey from Portland, Maine to Seattle. Kathleen and Brett will stop off at the Moped Rally in Kalamazoo for a few days on their way cross country. But around June 1st I should be out on the roads.

This is a Moped

2006-05-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

In approximately 3 weeks my dear friends, Kathleen and Brett, will be moving back to Seattle from Maine. There are many, many reasons why this makes me very happy but the reason I am writing today is to talk about one of those reasons in particular.

During their years living in Maine, Brett and Leen, discovered the joy of the endearing little machine known as a moped. And when I had the opportunity to visit them almost 2 years ago I had the opportunity to go for a nice long ride on one of these amazing little bikes. I must admit that I was really scared to ride at first. It had been years since I had even been on a bicycle. And add to that the fact that I didn't really know how to operate a moped and you have scared little me. But I went for it and oh how happy I am that I did. I was hooked! So much so that when Leen and Brett arrive in Seattle it will be with a moped for me.

I discover as I share this news with people that most of my friends are confused as to what a moped really is...so let me show you.

The name moped comes from the fact that they have both a motor (gas powered) and pedals. Many people think that a scooter is a moped and this is not so because scooters do not have pedals. Hopefully this clears up any confusion you may have about mopeds. This photograph is not of my soon to be moped, but when I get it I will definitely post pictures!

I just won a helmet on an eBay auction and it is on its way to me. So now all I need is for my moped to arrive and I will be off. This summer weather is really making me antsy to have my moped. I have been seeing more and more mopeds out in the glorious weather and I long to be among them. It will be great fun, indeed!

Oh Happy Day!

2006-05-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but I just feel happy today. That deep peace of contentment.

As I waited for the bus this morning in the warm sun I felt like this day would be a good one. And when I stepped off the bus at SPU there was a beautiful flurry of petals swirling through the air like snow. It was so beautiful! I couldn't help but smile and giggle with a childlike sense of wonder at the site. As I walked through the loop to Peterson Hall I enjoyed the way the light shown through the canopy of trees and made the falling petals glisten as they floated softly to the ground.

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!

Discovering Rilke

2006-05-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

Today I had the chance to sit and chat with my friend Amy. We shared thoughts on life and our present circumstances. It was a time that made way to contemplation for me. During our time together Amy shared a passage written by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke. Amy quotes from Rilke often and they are always such beautiful and poinient words. So today I decided that I must find myself a book of Rilke's work so that I can explore more of his deep reflections. So I went to amazon.com, typed "Rilke" in the search field and began to peruse that wonderful "Look Inside" feature. I found one passage in particular that rang in my ears with so much truth and wisdom. I will share it here...

You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Reslove to be always beginning-to be a beginner.

How contrary these words seem to all the things I hear as I make my way through each day? But how welcome too? It can be so overwhelming when life seems filled with so many questions but few answers. These gentle words are an encouragement to me that this is not a fact to be frustrated with but to revel in. Enjoy the questions, the mystery...for the answers will come when the ought. We must not force the answers to come. I think when we do that we rig things so we get the answer that we want and not the one we need. There seems to be this hunger to "arrive" in this world today that we forget to enjoy the journey and the lessons we can learn there. I am just as guilty of this as anyone. But I long to step into Rilke's invitation to "Live the Questions now."

This is just one of the things I am contemplating today. And I am thankful for my friend Amy and that she has introduced me to Rilke. I am looking forward to reading more of his words to see what other truths I will find.

Out in my "Backyard"

2006-04-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, after I left work, I decided I would spend sometime enjoying the sunny weather. I had to return a movie to Rain City Video just up the hill from my house so I began the walk up 32nd. After I had made my drop a friend of mine, Crissie, drove up and told me to hop in cause it was free scoop day at Ben & Jerry's. We drove over to Market St. and met up with Andrea for our free scoop. I had a lovely scoop of my all time favorite Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Phish Food, on a crispy sugar cone. It was the perfect treat for such a sunny and beautiful day.

After our stop for ice cream I parted ways with my friends to do the thing I had first set out to do. I made my way down Market St to the Ballard Locks on foot. I like to refer to the Locks as my Backyard since it is just across the street from my apartment and I have no yard of my own.

So I unfolded my towel on the grassy hill along the canal, pulled out my iPod and proceeded to lay there in the sun for about an hour and a half. I contimplated a few questions I have be asking myself about future plans and relationships. I read some old journal entries that made me laugh and feel thankful for the ways that God has been faithful to guide me through the struggles of yesterday. I listened to the rumble of passing trains and the laughter of some nearby children on a family picnic for dinner. And then there were two Bald Eagles that spent much of the time circling overhead with such grace and ease.

I love that I have a place like this so close to home. A little piece of earth to come and enjoy the world around me and all the beauty it holds. And I love these sunny days that I have the opportunity to really get out in the world and enjoy it.

Oklahoma and a Time Machine

2006-04-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

So I seem to be on this crazy blogging binge. This is my 3rd day in a row after a long absence from writing. And today I am filled with excitment and anticipation for my long weekend trip to Oklahoma. I know it may seem strange to feel so jazzed about a trip to the middle of America but I am. See there is Okie in my blood. My mom was born there and most of her side of the family still resides there. And it has been 10 years since I have had the pleasure of visiting.

The reason for my visit...To surprise my dear Mimi (grandma) for her 80th birthday. I will leave tomorrow morning for the big event. My parents and Sister are on their way there today from California and a whole slew of other relatives will be coming for the party on Saturday.

I can't imagine what is must be like to be turning 80. The world has changed a lot in the last 80 years. I wrote this paper when I was still in college about my family. Part of the assignment was to write about family history. So I called my Mimi and had her tell me stories from her life. She told me about using an outhouse when she was little, riding in her mothers model-T, and her childhood chore of bringing water to the house from the well. How curious to see the whole world change so much during your lifetime?

My mom has been hard at work to create a special scrapbook for the occasion. A commemoration of 80 years well lived. My aunt Valerie (who lives in OK) had to sealthly sneak Mimi's address book out of the house so that my mom could send letters to all the family and friends that have been a part of Mimi's 80 years to ask them to contribute memories and photographs for the album. As my mom has received new entries she has shared them with me over the phone. Some memories so sweet and tender that they brought a tear, some memories so funny and outragous that I couldn't stop laughing. My Mimi has lead a good life to be certain.

This weekend will be a time machine of sorts. A journey through my families history. I am excited for the stories that will be shared about the old days and for the new memories to be made. It will also be a journey back to memories of childhood days and visits to Oklahoma in the hot sticky summers. It will be wonderful indeed!

Dining in the Dark

2006-04-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

Last night was quite fun. Just before I was heading home from work I got an email from my dear friend, Andrea. After a long day of both of us being couped in our offices, when all the while the sun was shining outside, she suggested that we go to the beach and enjoy the extra hours of sun. It was quite windy and chilly at the beach but it was still nice to be outside in the fresh salty sea air. We watched the Kite Surfers twirl above the water and a playful puppy dig holes in the sand that he than would jump into. We listened to good music on my iPod and sang along. But there came a point when our feet were so cold that we decided it was time to leave the beach and head to dinner.

We decided to go to Agua Verde over by UW. When we got there is was quite crowded so we had to wait a bit and by the time we were seated the sun was finally down and the sky was dark. We had been seated long enough to place our order and then all of the sudden the power went out. I can honestly say that was the first time that had ever happened to me. Everyone kind of laughed then just carried on like nothing happen. There we were, a restaurant full of people enjoying our time with friends and family over tasty mexican food in total darkness. As Andrea and I watch the wait staff bring out candles and carry on like nothing had happened we began to speculate that this has happened before.

It was quite a fun and adventurous experience, dining in the dark. It just so happened that there weren't enough candles for all the tables in the restaurant so Andrea and I really were in the dark until the folks at a near by table finished their meal and left. I quickly tiptoed across the walkway and snatched the candle for our own table. I felt so sneaky! We enjoyed our food. Perhaps more so because we couldn't really see well. You know, that whole when one sense is impaired the others are hightened. We had silly conversation and laughed so hard.

So next time the lights go I encourage you all to enjoy it for the adventure it can be!

And Here Are The Words

2006-04-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

These are the lyrics to the song I shared this past Sunday at church.

Break Me
by Bree Aseltine

I have been waving my hands and kicking my feet in the battle for my will
But you have been calling me, and calling me, and you are calling me still
You are asking the hardest thing and the thing I least want to do
But I know I must give my heart and my will up to you

Break Me
Mold me and make me
Into what you desire (2xs)

I have been building and strengthening these walls I’ve placed around my heart
Fortified with the comforts of sin and my own brand of counterfeit light
I have been keeping you out for fear of what you will do
But I’ve come to hate this prison so now I am crying out to you

Lord you are cutting away all the filth that has blackened this heart
Lord you are placing my life of the anvil and shattering my pride
You send your refiners fire to burn away the drose that clings to me
Please purify my heart, cleanse my sinful ways, and burn me till I’m free

Why I write songs

2006-04-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

You may or may not know but I am a songwriter. For the past two years or so I have been exploring all the struggle and beauty of this wonderful art. And I am continually amazed by the way this journey is ever unfolding before me.

For many years I had longed to write songs but always felt like the words and the music were trapped in a deep place in my heart that I could never gain access to. Then at the end of the summer of 2003 my world got flipped on its head. I won't go into the details now but you know how they always say that bad things happen in threes, well that summer I had the biggest three of my life. Although it was the greatest brokenness I have ever known it was also the thing I need to break through to that place in my heart where all those songs were locked away. Since that fateful summer God has been so faithful to bring revelation and transformation to that season of pain through song.

When I first started to write songs it was a private thing, my own personal prayers and communication with God. But the more songs that I produced the more I longed to share them. I felt like there was a bigger purpose for these songs than my own personal catharsis. I felt and still feel like these songs were not entirely written by me. They were born from my stuggles and my victories, and yes my hands are the ones creating them but I feel more like a tool within the process, the brush in the painters hands.

And every now and then I get the opportunity to share. It is a humbling experience to be sure. My stomach always feels like a million butterflies have finally made an escape from their cacoons and are now flying wildly. My knees feel weak and my hands tremble. While it is a feeling that I dread it is also one I need because it makes me completely dependant on God for what comes next. Last night was one of my opportunities to share at Bethany Community Church. I played a song called "break me" (I will post the words shortly). This is one of those songs that is so closely tied to dealing with the aftermath of the "big 3" that came in the summer of 2003. Why I hadn't shared this song in a really public way till now I am not sure? But I shared it none the less and it was an amazing experience.

First, I was accompanied by my friend Rob on the mandolin. This was a great and healing thing in and of itself. This is a friendship that had known brokenness but through grace and vulnerability, forgiveness and reconciliation won that battle. As we played together I looked out over the crowd as they made their way through the sanctuary to partake in communion. And for as much as I needed to share this song it seemed that there were people who needed to hear it too.

I used to be really afraid to look at my audience. I guess I was afraid that it would cause me to mess up or maybe I was just afraid that people would actually see me. But last night I wanted to connect with people I wanted to see how these words were being received and what I saw was beautiful. Who knows perhaps they didn't hear a word I shared but nonetheless I was blessed by what I saw before me. And one girl even came up to me afterwards and asked me for the lyrics. She said the words were so perfect for what she had been going through in her life. It was like somehow the words God brought forth from my story were the very words that she was struggling so hard to find.

This is the beauty of living in community. When we are vulnerable and real with the people around us something beautiful happens. God is weaving our stories together in an unseen tapestry that is far more lovely than we can imagine. But our lives will only be included in that tapestry when we share. We cannot know how our story may be the very encouragement or challange someone needs in that moment. We must step out of our fears and our doubts and boldly claim the freedom that Christ offers us. It is a stuggle for sure, but it is a struggle I have always found blessing in for each time I share I am affirmed that God is using me and my broken life.

More of Less

2006-02-27T10:27:00.000-08:00

In the past few months I feel like God has been bringing to my attention all the excess in my life. Every where I look I see more clothes then I ever wear, more stuff then I ever use, more CD's then I ever listen to, and so on. In the past all this "stuff" has always made me feel like I am doing well in life, but recently it has only served to make be feel overwhelmed by all my options.

So rather than continue to live in this overwhelmed state that is dulling my senses I am making efforts to minimize. This has always been a hard thing for me to do since I am a pack-rat by nature. I have a hard time letting go of things because I have sentimental attachments or special memories tied to so many of the physical objects in my life. So I never really try to get rid of things.

But about a month ago I had had enough. I boxed up 3 large boxes of clothing that I planned to take to charity. When my dear friend Kristen heard me mention this she suggested that we have a clothing exchange. She invited a bunch of friends to clean out their closets too and bring all the clothes together so people can see if there is anything that they would like. Then whatever was left we would take to charity. There was so much clothing and shoes I couldn't believe it! It was fun to see people getting excited about the stuff I brought and finding a new treasure for their closets. I even found a few things for myself. But it was still a major down sizing for me. And the thing that suprised me is how fun and easy it was to get rid of so much stuff. And two weeks later I have no regrets in getting rid of any of it. In fact it makes me want to do the same kind of thing with CD's, books and movies.

Today is the start of the season of Lent. A season to slow down and take a step back from all the "stuff" of life and prepare our hearts for the joy that awaits us in celebrating Easter. And as I think of the lessons God has been teaching me the past few months I find that it's no coincidence that He chose this time of year. So as I try to continue on my journey to lessen the distractions of all the stuff around me I want to dedicate this effort to Christ and ask that through cutting these distrations from my life that my heart and mind would be free to see all that God longs to show me.

For Lent this year I have decided to give up a few things to open up more space for God in my heart and life. I am going to cut out TV Monday-Friday from the hours of 5-8 PM. It is so easy to come home after a long day of work and just plop down on the couch for an evening of numbing TV. Till Easter, I will instead choose to devote this time to bible study, prayer, silence, and other activities that will serve to draw me into the presence of God. Also in my quest to continue to minimize the distraction of "stuff" in my life I will refrain from shopping, with the exception of grocries. Any time that I would have spent shopping will instead be used to enjoy all the truest gifts that God give freely, like family, friends, and creation.

If any of you are planning to observe Lent this year I would love to hear how you will participate so that I can pray for you and encourage you along the way. Blessing to all!

Inspiration from the Shores of Walden Pond

2006-02-14T13:22:00.000-08:00

About a year and a half ago I had the pleasure of going to the east coast to visit friends. One of the stops we made was to the little town of Concord, just west of Boston. This quaint little town is so rich with history and inspiration. While there I had the chance to stand on the shores of Walden Pond where Henry David Thoreau lived and wrote for many years of his life. It was such a rich experience to stand in the place that inspire these words... As I ponder Thoreau's thoughts I long, as he did, to "live deliberately." I find myself growing numb as I am buried by all the "conveniences" of modern life. Since I live alone, on the nights I am home for dinner I find that I turn on the TV for company. But last night I longed for quiet. So I fixed my dinner and sat down in my favorite chair with my plate in my lap. Normally I would have just started eating, giving little thought to the act, but last night I just sat for a moment. Drinking in the blessing of knowing I was about to enjoy a hot meal. Being fully aware that I am rich with so many blessings. I said a little prayer of thanksgiving and then I began to eat. With out the TV on I was able to saver every bit, enjoying flavors that took me back to happy memories of childhood.

I wish that these kind of moments came more often in my life. I wish that I was more thoughtful about the things I do, even the common place tasks like eating or cleaning. I feel like God is gently calling to me through this experience to "front only the essential facts of life." There is so much excess in my life, so much more than what is needed. But, I am frightened at the thought of cutting things out of my life because there is comfort in the familiarity of my current routine. But I have to ask myself if I would really miss so many of the things that I cling to? Would my life have less meaning or fulfillment is I cut a few small things out?

I want to live life to its fullest. I want to accept that gracious invitation that God so lovingly offers for "life, and life abundant." But isn't it just like God to set things up so that the "more" only comes with "less"?

Spring Cleaning Came Early

2006-02-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

When I woke up on Saturday morning to the sun shining and the birds chirping something in me just needed to clean. And for anyone who knows me well this is a very unusual phenomenon. So I got out of bed and began to work on cleaning my room. My closet has this weird habit of spewing nearly its entire content on the floor, so the first order of business was to clear the floor for some much needed vacuuming. Another part of clearing the floor was sorting through all the paper (the majority of which was credit card offers and junk mail that piles up).

I am a little shocked an appalled by the amount of junk mail in my apartment! It is such a waste of paper, money, and time (considering I spent a few hours just on shredding credit card offers and other stuff with personal info on it). I am going to do some searching on the internet today to see if I can't find some sort of way to stop this ridiculous junk mail, or at least to decrease it significantly. By the way I ended up with two trashbags full of shredded paper for recycling!

I vacuumed, dusted, boxed up some clothing to give to charity, organized my desk, took out the trash and recycling, and did 5 loads of laundry. I felt so accomplished by the end. I still have more organizing to do but I think I really got the big of things I wanted to accomplish done. Next I need to tackle my storage unit down in the basement. I want to get it organized so I can actually get to everything that is in there. Hopefully I came keep this momentum going.

I also found a few treasure in my cleaning endevour. Among them a Starbucks giftcard for $5.

Some Art to Ponder

2006-02-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

For some reason today I was thinking about art I have seen in my life that has moved me. One piece that comes to mind is a video/sound installation that I saw at the Bellevue Art Museum with my sister about 5 years ago. It was called "He Weeps for You" by Bill Viola.

I wanted to share this work of art with all of you (though I fear it will not be as moving as it was in person). Here are a few photos and a description I was able to find online. "A drop of water emerging from a small brass valve is magnified by a video camera and projected on a large screen. The close-up image reveals that the viewer and a portion of the room are visible inside each forming drop. The drop swells and finally falls, and a loud sound is heard when it lands on an amplified drum. The entire room and persons in it are subject to the cadence of the falling drops, which continue in infinite repetition and reflection.

What an amazing concept! I love that I became a part of this work of art. It was a magical experience to walk into a dark room, see this strange contraption before me and watch as a drop of water gradually grow revealing a reflection of me. And when the drop fell it was as if my heart fell with it and I shuttered as the sound from the drum echoed in my ears. I have never been so moved by a piece of art!

So many thoughts swarm through my head as I think about the title, "He Weeps for You." Mostly I think about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane the night that he was betrayed and arrested and the tears he shed as he thought about what was soon to take place. Did each of those tears contain a tiny reflection of the world God longed to save in that great sacrifice? Did the ground thunder as each tear fell and broke into a million peices? What tradgic beauty!

With the news just in from Punxsutawney Phil...

2006-02-02T10:57:00.000-08:00

After consulting with my friends in the groundhog community I am afraid that the next 6 weeks will be filled with more of this dismal winter weather. This is something that most definitely makes me feel a bit sad. These gray, cold, rainy days are really starting to take their toll on me.

Even with Punxsutawny Phil's bad news the day has not been a total bust. My old roommate and fellow monkey enthusiast, Melissa, introduced me to the most wonderful world of Monk-E-Mail at CareerBuilder.com (remember all the commercial with the chimps in the offices?)

Things at work have been rather slow the past week but thanks to Monk-e-mail today has been full of laughs. I mean truly, the way to fix any problem is simple just add a talking chimp. Just give it a try and I am sure you will find yourself doubled over in laughter.

Some New Ways for the New Year

2006-01-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

Being that it is now 18 days into this fine New Year, I have had some time to do a little thinking on what I will resolve to do this year. I have been trying to figure out what I want this year to be about. What do I want to spend the next 347 days exploring and achieving? Here are a few of the things I have come up with...

COMMUNITY. I want this year to be marked with growing intimacy as I seek to love and know those that I share my life with. I have plans to start a small group with a few dear friends, to challenge and encourage each other as we seek to grow in our faith. And I also want to set aside one day a month to write letters to those that are far away or those I know who need a little pick me up in their mailbox. But basically I just want new depth in old relationship and to seek new relationships as I participate more fully in life.

CREATIVITY. 2005 was a year of discovering new gifts and new passions and my hope is that 2006 will be the year that I truly strive to grow in these gifts. I have been exploring the wonderful art of songwriting. Somehow all those thoughts and feelings that I have had such a hard time communicating fully in the past have found a voice in song. I want to grow as a musician, a singer and a songwriter. I want to surround myself with creative people and ideas that can continue to challenge me and encourage me to stretch my heart and imagination.

COURAGE. There are so many things in my life that I long to do but so often I let fear of failure or rejection take hold of me and keep me from my hearts desires. My hope is that this year I can make great strides in doing the things I most fear, but still long for. Whether it is playing a show to share the songs I have been writing, competing in my first triathlon, or asking a guy out on a date I want to throw caution to the wind. This year I want to claim the abundant life God so graciously offers, but I seldom have courage enough to grab hold of.

May this year be rich in blessing, challenge and transformation for all of us as we seek to be all that we were made to be!

A Winter Reprieve

2006-01-10T14:54:00.000-08:00

Last night it was hard to sleep as the wild wind howled outside my window. The flag pole in the courtyard along with the trees were battling it out with the wind throughout the night as I peered through the blinds of my bedroom. I thought I might awake this morning to find them all uprooted but they managed to stand victorious through the night.

The rain in Seattle has been falling with little pause this last week and winter seems to be making herself known. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate the true beauty and blessing of this winter weather, but I have to keep reminding myself that sights like this only come after the rain.

Just a little glimpse of what awaits us on the other side of winter. The bright, warm beauty of a world waking up from a long winters nap. So hang in there my friends for soon we will be frolicing in the tulip fields!

A Christmas Song

2005-12-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

Who Would Have Thought?

There in the hay the new babe was laid

Who would have thought, God's come down from heaven?

Sweet, baby child so tender and mild

Who would have thought, here lies my Savior?

Beautiful baby asleep in the manger

Oh how we love, love that you've come

Oh tiny Savior, peace like a river

Pours from my soul as I rest in your life

Small, tiny fingers that reach out for mother

Who would have thought, one touch can heal me?

The littelest feet, toes tinier still

Who would have thought, He'll soon walk on water?

Beautiful baby asleep in the manger

Oh how we love, love that you've come

Oh tiny Savior, peace like a river

Pours from my soul as I rest in your life

You have come

You are here

So we celebrate

There in the hay the new babe was laid

Who would have thought, God's come down from heaven?

The Greatest Gift

2005-12-16T15:57:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday I had the pleasure of heading downtown to hear on of the Seattle Symphony perform one of the most beautiful and moving pieces of music ever created, Handel's Messiah.

At my church back in California we always sang the Hallelujah chorus at Easter and there was another instance at a Barnes & Noble were I put on some headphones in the music section to listen to a bit of "Messiah," but was relatively unfamiliar with just how beautiful it really is. I was excited to hear this masterpiece in its entirety. And excited too for my first trip to Benaroya Hall to hear the symphony.

As we took out seats and waited eagerly for the performance to begin I started looking through the program. All the words were printed there for me to read and I was amazed at what I saw before me. The entire thing, every word, was scripture. Here I was in this great music hall with hundreds and hundreds of other people I prepared to worship.

I began to wonder about all the other people there. Granted, the title is "Messiah" but did everyone there come to worship. I am certain that in a crowd of that size there would be many who do not know the Lord. But why had they come? I hope that as those people sat listening to the beautiful account of the God who left heaven to dwell among the people that he loves and longs to save that their heart were touched. I hope that each person left that place in awe of that story and in awe of the God gave such a precious gift.

As Christmas day fast approaches I feel blessed to know the true story behind this holiday. I am honored that God would give such a precious gift for me. The Great and Powerful God of heaven became a tiny, helpless baby. He gave up everything to come and live in the same world that I must live in. He came to take the punishment that I deserve. He came to be my Savior.

Where to begin...

2005-12-06T14:56:00.000-08:00

It feels as if there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head these days. I need an outlet, a place to share freely the thoughts and feelings du jour. I have been blessed and challanged by this strange new art of blogging that I have decided I would take a stab at it.

So you maybe wondering now, "Why Tiny Offerings?" You may or may not know this about me but I am a songwriter. I wrote a song earlier this year about the story of the widow's mite from Luke 21. After a series of events in my own life I could not shake this story from my head. This remarkable woman's story struck a chord in my heart that I had to write about it. The song goes like this...

Two Small Coins
by Bree Aseltine (c) 2005

He stopped to watch her as she entered into His temple
She looked so small and simple there among the rich and the powerful
Clutched between her fingers were two small coins too small for worth

She came with all she had
She came with everything
Will you join with her and bring your everything?

He shed a tear and smiled as he watched her give her gift
And though its value small that gift was worth eternal bliss
So when I feel small and poor I will give what I have with joy

She gave all she had
She gave everything
Will you join with her and give your everything

Not a mite should I withhold from you, my Lord
For nothing I can bring is too small to please my King

We all have some tiny, yet eternally valuable offering to bring. I hope that this blog will help serve as a place to share my tiny offerings. Sometimes it may be song lyrics, sometimes random thoughts, perhaps a photograph or a quote. What ever the form these offerings take I hope they serve to bless your hearts and the heart of my King.