I don't give up!

I find that some of the most important lessons that I have learned in my life have come while I have been out amongst the trees and rocks, mountains and streams. It is out in nature away from the distractions of life that I find myself with a heart that is more open and free to receive truth and beauty. A few weeks ago I have the chance to visit the Olympic National Park for the first time. And I was so in awe of the things that I saw in that place. Every turn made way to a new beauty more inspiring then the view before. But these views were not free. I have found that all of the most beautiful places in the world take hard work to get to. Perhaps that is why they are so beautiful.

The hike to the top of Hurricane Hill was no different. There is still much snow up in the heights of the Olympic mountains this time of year and the roads that led to our trailhead were still thick with snow. We had to hike nearly 2 miles through ankle deep snow just to get to the trailhead. I was ill prepared for hiking in snow, wearing only a pair of running shoes with insufficiant traction and no water-proofing. But thankfully I did have wool socks that at least kept my wet feet warm. I wore jeans and attempted to keep dry in the snow by wearing my rain pants over them, but apparently enough of my jeans were exposed to the wet snow and acted like a wick which made my jeans completely wet my the time we reached the summit. Not to mention my hiking muscles were very out of shape.

I made the climb with a group of very athletic folks and avid hikers who often left me in the dust (or snow in this case). I found myself having to face some of those demons along the way that pop up to say I am not good enough, strong enough, or capable enough to make the journey. (I felt like Much Afraid in the book "Hinds Feet on High Places" much of the hike.) I wanted to give up so many times along the way. At one point I took a pretty bad fall when my legs slipped out from under me in the snow. I landed first on my wrist and then my face. I even stopped at one point, telling everyone to go on without me because I was planning to turn back before reaching the summit.

I sat for a few minutes in solitude on the side of that mountain and as I looked out on the majestic views somehow I managed to muster up the strength and will to go and meet my friends at the top. The journey back was even more of a challange then the trip to the top, for the snowiest portion of the hike was uphill on the way back.

It is always a humbling experience for me to hike. Down at Sea Level on even ground I am able to move around with ease. But up in the higher elevations with steep ascents and descents, rocks and snow to contend with, I become very aware of my short comings. This can be both a tremndous blessing and a huge challange. I am reminded on the heights that it takes great will to press through pain, doubt, and discouragement. But it is so important to push through to experience the gifts that wait on the other side.

Here are a few more pictures from my hike on Hurricane Ridge in the Olympic National Park.

The Role of a Lifetime

Act III, Scene II

by Madeleine L'Engle

Someone has altered the script.
My lines have been changed.
The other actors are shifting roles.
They don't come on when they're expected to,
and they don't say the lines I've written
and I'm being upstaged.
I thought I was writing this play
with a rather nice role for myself,
small, but juicy
and some excellent lines.
But nobody gives me my cues
and the scenery has been replaced
and I don't recognize the new sets.
This isn't the script I was writing.
I don't understand this play at all.

To grow up
is to find
the small part you are playing
in this extrordinary drama
written by
someone else.

An Easter Tradition

One thing that I truly love about holidays are the traditions. Since moving to Seattle and being aways from my family for many holidays I have been able to create some new traditions for myself and friends. The Easter tradition that I love the most is my annual trip to Skagit Valley to see the tulip fields in bloom.

This year I was joined by Andrea (our 3rd trip together) and Holly (a new comer to the tradition). We started the morning with some tasty gingerbread waffles at my house, then church before heading off to see the tulips. While the weather in Seattle seemed promising in the morning the further north we went the more ominous the sky became. It was quite cold and windy but we still managed to have fun and enjoy the beautiful display. It only started pouring rain when we were just about done making the trek around the field.

Rain or shine the tulips are always an amazing sight.

When Dreams Collide

Today many Seattle dining establishments are doing a very important thing and donating part (25%) of all sales to relief efforts in Darfur. For more info go to www.dinefordarfur.org. So to support this event the girls from the office and I made a trip to Caffe Fiore (one of the participatng establishments) this morning. It was great to get out of the office for a short time to be in the bright sunshine and do something good for the world, not to mention our tummies. It was my newest co-worker, kate's, first trip to Fiore and as the friendly barista handed up our delicious lattes Kate commented on the hand-stamped cups. Who knew that this would bring about the collision of a dream that both Kate and I share.

I responded to Kate's observation by saying that, someday, when I own my own cafe that I would do the same. Kate then told me that she dreamed of one day owning a cafe too. And as we shared our visions we both became really excited that we shared the same thoughts and ideas of what we wanted our cafe to be like. So right there on the spot we decided that we should pursue this dream together.

Could it be fate that on the day after posting about pursuing one dream that I should find a friend who shares the same passion and excitment for opening a cafe? While it will take a lot of effort and financing to make this dream come true I am excited at the thought of pursuing it and seeing what unfolds from here. Kate would be an amazing business partner because family once owned a bakery so she is talented in the art of baking (for everyone likes a sweet treat with their coffee) and knows what goes into running a small business. I will do more considering if this is the "one" dream that I pour myself into, but I must say it seems quite promising. I'll keep you posted.

To Pick One Dream...and Pursue It

In a recent effort to do some cleaning around the house I came across a stack of birthday cards that I received last year. I read through the messages to see what words of friendship and love I could find. One card in particular contained words that still, days later, are ringing in my ears. Every now and then a friend can blow you out of the water with the depth of insight that they bring. Reading the card from my friend Eric was one of those experiences.

The words that I cannot seem to shake are these. "Take one dream and pursue it, please. For it would be such a waste for such talent and passion to go unused."

A few days before the birthday that Eric and I share we got into a conversation where Eric dared to ask about what my dreams for the future are. Oh, how I hate that question! I have said before that I am a dreamer so my hatred of that question has nothing to do with having nothing to offer up as an answer. My loathing comes from fear. I fear that in speaking a dream aloud, sharing it with another human soul, that somehow if I am not able to bring that dream to fruition that I have failed miserably and that I have disappointed the one to whom the dream is shared. So when someone has the audacity to ask me what my dreams are I tend to speak in vague generalities to save us both any future disappointment.

Eric's comment came, and still comes, to me as a rare mix of loving encouragement and gentle rebuke that only a friend can offer. He caught me being cautious and non-committal with my dreams and gave be a nudge to let go of the fear I have of my own dreams. I don't know if that was Eric's intention in saying what he did or perhaps he became a momentary mouthpiece of God. Nonetheless, these words speak with great power into the hidden places of my heart where I hide my dreams.

All this has led me to think that it is time to follow the words of my friend and pick one dream. One dream to explore and get to know, not be afraid of. One dream to nurture and pursue. So in the days ahead I will pull my many dreams out into the light and see which one stirs the most excitement in my heart when I think of pouring myself into its pursuit. And then I will muster up the courage to share that dream and begin the journey. Wish me luck.

Sunshine, Flip Flops, and Other Signs of Spring

There are few ways that I let on about my Southern California upbringing, but my love of flip flops if one. In my humble opinion naked feet are happy feet and the next best thing to no shoes at all are flip flops. So this morning on this sunny spring day the choice was clear...I shall wear flip flops.

Part of the reason that my choice of footwear is so noteworthy is because this is the first day of the year that I have felt confident that flip flops would be suitable all day long. The sun is shining, the chance of rain seems non-existent, and it is warm enough that my little toes won't freeze. This shift in the weather (although who knows how long it will last) is very welcome indeed.

There are other signs that spring is here, paving the way for summer warmth and sun. Everywhere you look there are patches of color as daffodils and tulips open their glorious petals. The magnolia trees are full of the vibrant and rotund blossoms. The new leaves are pushing their way to the end of every tree branch. I love this time of year in Seattle. I have never seen a more beautiful display.

The Difficulty in Dreaming

I have always been one who considers herself a dreamer. I love to sit and ponder the possibilities that life holds and wonder what adventures wait for me in the future. But recently I have found myself slipping into a fog of disillusionment. For as much hope can be found in dreaming, often times there is equally as much disappointment. See, dreaming requires much forward thinking, an ability to see beyond the here and now. And this kind of vision is not always so easy to come by.

Yesterday I was reminded that we are called to be dreamers in spite of the fact that dreams may not always come true. God plants a dream in our hearts not always to bless us with its fulfillment but to use us as a tool for laying the foundation for its fulfillment.

I will admit that I have mixed feelings about this revelation. I feel discouraged at the thought that the things I so deeply long for may not be realized in my life. But then my heart is lifted in the promise that there is a purpose in the dreaming and it will be made good, even if some where beyond my lifetime.

One Snowy Moment

Not long ago the rain that has been falling in Seattle this morning turned into big fluffy snowflakes. The snow only lasted a moment but it was enough to fill my heart with delight. I love the gifts that God gives us if only we take the time to lift our eyes and gaze out the window.

In the past week or so all of the trees here are starting to grow tiny buds that will soon unfold to reveal vibrant flowers and springtime green. I love to watch the slow transformation from winter to spring time. Each day there is something new to see and enjoy.

Reunited...And it feels so good!

This weekend was the wedding of my friend Janelle. I met Janelle when I lived in the dorms at SPU. So this weekend was a great reunion of many of my favorite old roommates/floor mates from SPU. Jessica came the farthest, traveling from NYC. Melissa traveled from Colorado. While Julia, Amber, Joy and myself made the drive down to Tacoma for the festivities.

It is rare indeed that I get to spend time with all these friends at once so the weekend was a real treat. Amber and Fred were gracious enough to let us invade their home for the weekend so we could maximize our time of being all in the same state. We had a lot of laughs. We did some catching up. And of course, we reminisced about all our old shenanigans. I love these friends so much and I am thankful for the chance to gather.

Here are just a few of the pictures from the wedding.

Joy, Melissa, Jessica, Me and Julia

Melissa and Jessica taking advantage of the open bar

The Usual Suspects
We caused a lot of mischief in our Second Hill days

Amber planting a big one on Fred (theirs was the last 2nd Hill wedding)

Ruben and Joy were the first in our group of friends to take the plunge.

It is official, I have scheduled a vacation

After months of longing to take a trip somewhere I finally got a plane ticket. In April I will be off to Chicago to visit my dear friend Amanda, her husband Koji and their dog Penny (who is a new addition to the family since my last visit). It will just be for a long weekend but I am so excited. We talked on the phone last night to brain storm ideas for activities and I can't wait.

This picture is from my last visit. I treated Amanda and Koji to a Cubs game for being such great hosts. I think we may try to go to another Cubs game since my visit will coinside with the start of Baseball season. We also discussed a trip to the Shedd Aquarium. Amanda tells me it is like an indoor Sea World.

But mostly I am just looking forward to the time we will share just talking and catching up on life. I have known Amanda longer than any other friend I have. We have many stories in our 15 year history. This friend has been by my side for many important milesotnes in my life. As I see where I am now in life I think I owe much credit to my dear friend. After all I would never have known that SPU existed or fallen in love with Seattle if it weren't for Amanda. It is amazing how the presence of one person in your life can have such a strong impact. I am blessed by this friendship and excited to add some new stories to our history in April.

The Ache of Things Longed For

In the last month or so many friends have been revealing happy new developments in life. This Saturday I was part of a surprise engagement party for my friends Suzie and Jeremy (Jeremy proposed earlier in the evening and surprised Suzie with a celebration with our friends). My friend, Sandra, from SPU days recently shared the news that she is now engaged. My dear friend Kristen recently announced that she is pregnant, while my friend Nicole is getting ready to welcome her new baby girl into the world next month. Then this coming Saturday I will be attending the wedding of another college friend Janelle. And then at the end of March my dear friends Audrey and Dan will be tying the knot too.

While I am overjoyed by the happiness so many friends are finding these days I can't help but feel an ache in my own heart. Marriage, starting a family...these are things that I so long to have some day in my life. Over the past several years, as I have really started growing into my adult skin, I realize more and more that these longings are woven deep in the fabric of who I am. How strange it is that God should allow us to long so deeply for things that seem so out of reach.

More often than not I feel content to live the life that I have been given and to find joy in the current state of things. But every now and then that little ache in my heart acts up. I begin to wonder when it will be my turn to see my longings fulfilled. While it can be easy to give in and let that ache grow and overcome me I wish instead to find hope in it. I want that ache to push be to recognize that our lives are ever unfolding, always changing. I want to look back and see the proof of longings fulfilled in my life and know that the pattern will continue on.

Remember You Are Chosen

Two times in my life I have had the most beautiful gift of a butterfly resting from its flight on my body. The first encounter came when I was maybe 6 years old and carving a pumpkin in the front yard for Halloween. A beautiful monarch butterfly landed on my shoulder and sat with me awhile. As a child it was magical to know that this butterfly had chosen me for a perch to rest upon. In a garden full of beautiful plants and flowers this butterfly chose me.

The second butterfly descended on me as I walked through a butterfly garden about 4 years ago. I rested my hand on the railing of a bridge and a delicate yellow and black butterfly landed on my hand. I could feel the tickle of it's almost weightless body. I marveled at the sensation and the sight. I didn't want to move for fear of scaring off my new friend. I felt the same magic that I had as a 6 year old, the joy of being chosen.

But lately the magic has been forgotten and I have felt anything but chosen. Forgotten and overlooked are much better descriptions for my current state. I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself in all the hurt and disappointment that comes with being in relationship with other human beings (who are equally flawed as myself). Then in the midst of all that self pity I remembered these encounters with the butterflies. I remembered that I was chosen, and not just once. I must take these memories and move forward with a hopeful heart that I will be chosen again.

Learning to Love...

To Have Without Holding
by Marge Piercy

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.

It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives, then
of sharp knives.

It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch; to love and let
go again and again. It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave
without air, to love consciously,
conscientiously, concretely, constructively.

I can't do it, you say it's killing
me, but you thrive, you glow
on the street like a neon raspberry,
You float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor's button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole the rhythm
of our unbound bonding, to have
and not to hold, to love
with minimized malice, hunger
and anger moment by moment balanced.

The Hope of Things to Come

Since the start of the new year I have been filled with a hopefulness that had been missing in the last few months of 2006. I was talking to my dear friend Melanie about the strange sensation of joy returning to my heart and she smiled and said it was because hope has returned.

The past few days of sunshine have reminded me of the hopefulness in waiting for the spring. I know that soon the temperature will be warming, trees will return to their leafy grandeur and tiny blossoms of color will push through the soil. I think that this is a beautiful metaphor for the seasons of life. While it is guaranteed that we will know seasons of lose and disappointment it is just as sure that we will push through those seasons to know hope and peace once again.

I am so thankful for the way that God uses nature to teach me His truth, remind me of His faithfulness. I still have so many questions about the future and the things that await me there, but for now I think I will just rest in the peace of a heart full of hope.

Do I Dare?

If you have been reading my blog in the past month than you may already know about my longing for Boldness. As I make small steps toward boldness I am realizing more and more that this is a risky undertaking. I am in need of substantial encouragement and nudging if I am to make great strides.

The words of others that have gone before me seem to say that there is little in life that isn't worth the risk.

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." ~T.S. Eliot

"To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk to failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free." ~William Arthur Ward

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

The Beauty of This Sight

About 6 years ago I was introduced to one of the most glorious sights I have ever seen, the Skagit Valley carpeted with row upon row for bright and beautiful tulips.

I have made it an annual tradition to make a trip up north every Easter for the past 5 years to celebrate. Last year was particularly beautiful with the contrast of the ominous, gray sky and the brilliant colors on the earth. Only a few more months till the tulips are in bloom again!

It has been a great week of sharing! Thanks so much to all of you out there who joined in the fun. We will all have to do it again sometime. Happy weekend to all!

Do I Have to Pick Just One Sound?

I think picking a favorite sound is the hardest one yet. When ever playing "Would you rather..." and the inevitable question of would you rather lose your hearing or your sight comes up I always answer sight. I think I could learn to function and enjoy life without my eyes. But a life without music, hearing I loves you's, or laughter sounds like more then I could bear.

I guess if I have to pick just one sound I love it would be uncontrollable laughter. You know the kind when you can't help but snort and your eyes start to water.

As I was looking back through old pictures trying to find one that captured such laughter I couldn't pass this one up. This is from a camping trip I took with my old roommates. In an attempt to keep ourselves occupied be began finding new uses for our camping gear. This is jumping rope with Tent poles. As you can see we are all doubled over laughing. I can always count on these friends to make me laugh my hardest!

A Touch I Cannot Wait For

Lately it seems that I have babies on the brain. I have a friend who is due in March, friends who are currently marveling at their new babies, and I found out recently that my sister is pregnant and I will be an Auntie soon. And as I think of a favorite touch I can think of none sweeter than the soft, silkiness of a babies skin. I especially love when they wrap their tiny fingers around one of mine and hold on so tightly. There is so much mystery and beauty in that tiny touch.

I am especially looking forward to meeting my new little Neice or Nephew and holding those tiny little fingers in mine.

A Taste I Savor

Today I was reminded of a taste I love...Homemade Macaroni and Cheese.

I have an amazing recipe that I found in a pasta cookbook I have for Creamy Macaroni and Cheese. Before I tried the recipe I don't think that I had ever had Mac and Cheese made the old fashioned way. When I took the first bite I was in love. At the very thought of it I can actually begin to taste the tangy sour cream and sharp cheddar cheese. It is my favorite comfort food to make when I am sad or on a gray gloomy day.

I think I might have to cook up a batch this week to satisfy my tastebuds.

I Think I'll Start with Favorite Smell

Just a few blocks from my apartment there is a place I know that I am sure to find my favorite smell. I love when I have the chance to walk by and breathe in deep the smell of fresh lumber.

I know it is a somewhat strange smell to love but I can't help it. I have always loved that smell. I think it goes back to my childhood days. My dad has always been quite the carpenter. He has built cabinets for our house, shelving for the garage, sailboats, canoes, and endless other little things. As a child I loved to make my way out to the the garage and "work" along side my dad as he built so many beautiful things. Occasionally I would get to tag along on trips to the lumberyard. I always thought it was a big treat. After all I never say other little girls at the lumberyard, I must be truly special to be there.

So when ever I catch the scent of lumber in the air I pause...breathe in deep...and remember.