Out in my "Backyard"

Yesterday, after I left work, I decided I would spend sometime enjoying the sunny weather. I had to return a movie to Rain City Video just up the hill from my house so I began the walk up 32nd. After I had made my drop a friend of mine, Crissie, drove up and told me to hop in cause it was free scoop day at Ben & Jerry's. We drove over to Market St. and met up with Andrea for our free scoop. I had a lovely scoop of my all time favorite Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Phish Food, on a crispy sugar cone. It was the perfect treat for such a sunny and beautiful day.

After our stop for ice cream I parted ways with my friends to do the thing I had first set out to do. I made my way down Market St to the Ballard Locks on foot. I like to refer to the Locks as my Backyard since it is just across the street from my apartment and I have no yard of my own.

So I unfolded my towel on the grassy hill along the canal, pulled out my iPod and proceeded to lay there in the sun for about an hour and a half. I contimplated a few questions I have be asking myself about future plans and relationships. I read some old journal entries that made me laugh and feel thankful for the ways that God has been faithful to guide me through the struggles of yesterday. I listened to the rumble of passing trains and the laughter of some nearby children on a family picnic for dinner. And then there were two Bald Eagles that spent much of the time circling overhead with such grace and ease.

I love that I have a place like this so close to home. A little piece of earth to come and enjoy the world around me and all the beauty it holds. And I love these sunny days that I have the opportunity to really get out in the world and enjoy it.

Oklahoma and a Time Machine

So I seem to be on this crazy blogging binge. This is my 3rd day in a row after a long absence from writing. And today I am filled with excitment and anticipation for my long weekend trip to Oklahoma. I know it may seem strange to feel so jazzed about a trip to the middle of America but I am. See there is Okie in my blood. My mom was born there and most of her side of the family still resides there. And it has been 10 years since I have had the pleasure of visiting.

The reason for my visit...To surprise my dear Mimi (grandma) for her 80th birthday. I will leave tomorrow morning for the big event. My parents and Sister are on their way there today from California and a whole slew of other relatives will be coming for the party on Saturday.

I can't imagine what is must be like to be turning 80. The world has changed a lot in the last 80 years. I wrote this paper when I was still in college about my family. Part of the assignment was to write about family history. So I called my Mimi and had her tell me stories from her life. She told me about using an outhouse when she was little, riding in her mothers model-T, and her childhood chore of bringing water to the house from the well. How curious to see the whole world change so much during your lifetime?

My mom has been hard at work to create a special scrapbook for the occasion. A commemoration of 80 years well lived. My aunt Valerie (who lives in OK) had to sealthly sneak Mimi's address book out of the house so that my mom could send letters to all the family and friends that have been a part of Mimi's 80 years to ask them to contribute memories and photographs for the album. As my mom has received new entries she has shared them with me over the phone. Some memories so sweet and tender that they brought a tear, some memories so funny and outragous that I couldn't stop laughing. My Mimi has lead a good life to be certain.

This weekend will be a time machine of sorts. A journey through my families history. I am excited for the stories that will be shared about the old days and for the new memories to be made. It will also be a journey back to memories of childhood days and visits to Oklahoma in the hot sticky summers. It will be wonderful indeed!

Dining in the Dark

Last night was quite fun. Just before I was heading home from work I got an email from my dear friend, Andrea. After a long day of both of us being couped in our offices, when all the while the sun was shining outside, she suggested that we go to the beach and enjoy the extra hours of sun. It was quite windy and chilly at the beach but it was still nice to be outside in the fresh salty sea air. We watched the Kite Surfers twirl above the water and a playful puppy dig holes in the sand that he than would jump into. We listened to good music on my iPod and sang along. But there came a point when our feet were so cold that we decided it was time to leave the beach and head to dinner.

We decided to go to Agua Verde over by UW. When we got there is was quite crowded so we had to wait a bit and by the time we were seated the sun was finally down and the sky was dark. We had been seated long enough to place our order and then all of the sudden the power went out. I can honestly say that was the first time that had ever happened to me. Everyone kind of laughed then just carried on like nothing happen. There we were, a restaurant full of people enjoying our time with friends and family over tasty mexican food in total darkness. As Andrea and I watch the wait staff bring out candles and carry on like nothing had happened we began to speculate that this has happened before.

It was quite a fun and adventurous experience, dining in the dark. It just so happened that there weren't enough candles for all the tables in the restaurant so Andrea and I really were in the dark until the folks at a near by table finished their meal and left. I quickly tiptoed across the walkway and snatched the candle for our own table. I felt so sneaky! We enjoyed our food. Perhaps more so because we couldn't really see well. You know, that whole when one sense is impaired the others are hightened. We had silly conversation and laughed so hard.

So next time the lights go I encourage you all to enjoy it for the adventure it can be!

And Here Are The Words

These are the lyrics to the song I shared this past Sunday at church.

Break Me
by Bree Aseltine

I have been waving my hands and kicking my feet in the battle for my will
But you have been calling me, and calling me, and you are calling me still
You are asking the hardest thing and the thing I least want to do
But I know I must give my heart and my will up to you

Break Me
Mold me and make me
Into what you desire (2xs)

I have been building and strengthening these walls I’ve placed around my heart
Fortified with the comforts of sin and my own brand of counterfeit light
I have been keeping you out for fear of what you will do
But I’ve come to hate this prison so now I am crying out to you

Lord you are cutting away all the filth that has blackened this heart
Lord you are placing my life of the anvil and shattering my pride
You send your refiners fire to burn away the drose that clings to me
Please purify my heart, cleanse my sinful ways, and burn me till I’m free

Why I write songs

You may or may not know but I am a songwriter. For the past two years or so I have been exploring all the struggle and beauty of this wonderful art. And I am continually amazed by the way this journey is ever unfolding before me.

For many years I had longed to write songs but always felt like the words and the music were trapped in a deep place in my heart that I could never gain access to. Then at the end of the summer of 2003 my world got flipped on its head. I won't go into the details now but you know how they always say that bad things happen in threes, well that summer I had the biggest three of my life. Although it was the greatest brokenness I have ever known it was also the thing I need to break through to that place in my heart where all those songs were locked away. Since that fateful summer God has been so faithful to bring revelation and transformation to that season of pain through song.

When I first started to write songs it was a private thing, my own personal prayers and communication with God. But the more songs that I produced the more I longed to share them. I felt like there was a bigger purpose for these songs than my own personal catharsis. I felt and still feel like these songs were not entirely written by me. They were born from my stuggles and my victories, and yes my hands are the ones creating them but I feel more like a tool within the process, the brush in the painters hands.

And every now and then I get the opportunity to share. It is a humbling experience to be sure. My stomach always feels like a million butterflies have finally made an escape from their cacoons and are now flying wildly. My knees feel weak and my hands tremble. While it is a feeling that I dread it is also one I need because it makes me completely dependant on God for what comes next. Last night was one of my opportunities to share at Bethany Community Church. I played a song called "break me" (I will post the words shortly). This is one of those songs that is so closely tied to dealing with the aftermath of the "big 3" that came in the summer of 2003. Why I hadn't shared this song in a really public way till now I am not sure? But I shared it none the less and it was an amazing experience.

First, I was accompanied by my friend Rob on the mandolin. This was a great and healing thing in and of itself. This is a friendship that had known brokenness but through grace and vulnerability, forgiveness and reconciliation won that battle. As we played together I looked out over the crowd as they made their way through the sanctuary to partake in communion. And for as much as I needed to share this song it seemed that there were people who needed to hear it too.

I used to be really afraid to look at my audience. I guess I was afraid that it would cause me to mess up or maybe I was just afraid that people would actually see me. But last night I wanted to connect with people I wanted to see how these words were being received and what I saw was beautiful. Who knows perhaps they didn't hear a word I shared but nonetheless I was blessed by what I saw before me. And one girl even came up to me afterwards and asked me for the lyrics. She said the words were so perfect for what she had been going through in her life. It was like somehow the words God brought forth from my story were the very words that she was struggling so hard to find.

This is the beauty of living in community. When we are vulnerable and real with the people around us something beautiful happens. God is weaving our stories together in an unseen tapestry that is far more lovely than we can imagine. But our lives will only be included in that tapestry when we share. We cannot know how our story may be the very encouragement or challange someone needs in that moment. We must step out of our fears and our doubts and boldly claim the freedom that Christ offers us. It is a stuggle for sure, but it is a struggle I have always found blessing in for each time I share I am affirmed that God is using me and my broken life.