Why I write songs

You may or may not know but I am a songwriter. For the past two years or so I have been exploring all the struggle and beauty of this wonderful art. And I am continually amazed by the way this journey is ever unfolding before me.

For many years I had longed to write songs but always felt like the words and the music were trapped in a deep place in my heart that I could never gain access to. Then at the end of the summer of 2003 my world got flipped on its head. I won't go into the details now but you know how they always say that bad things happen in threes, well that summer I had the biggest three of my life. Although it was the greatest brokenness I have ever known it was also the thing I need to break through to that place in my heart where all those songs were locked away. Since that fateful summer God has been so faithful to bring revelation and transformation to that season of pain through song.

When I first started to write songs it was a private thing, my own personal prayers and communication with God. But the more songs that I produced the more I longed to share them. I felt like there was a bigger purpose for these songs than my own personal catharsis. I felt and still feel like these songs were not entirely written by me. They were born from my stuggles and my victories, and yes my hands are the ones creating them but I feel more like a tool within the process, the brush in the painters hands.

And every now and then I get the opportunity to share. It is a humbling experience to be sure. My stomach always feels like a million butterflies have finally made an escape from their cacoons and are now flying wildly. My knees feel weak and my hands tremble. While it is a feeling that I dread it is also one I need because it makes me completely dependant on God for what comes next. Last night was one of my opportunities to share at Bethany Community Church. I played a song called "break me" (I will post the words shortly). This is one of those songs that is so closely tied to dealing with the aftermath of the "big 3" that came in the summer of 2003. Why I hadn't shared this song in a really public way till now I am not sure? But I shared it none the less and it was an amazing experience.

First, I was accompanied by my friend Rob on the mandolin. This was a great and healing thing in and of itself. This is a friendship that had known brokenness but through grace and vulnerability, forgiveness and reconciliation won that battle. As we played together I looked out over the crowd as they made their way through the sanctuary to partake in communion. And for as much as I needed to share this song it seemed that there were people who needed to hear it too.

I used to be really afraid to look at my audience. I guess I was afraid that it would cause me to mess up or maybe I was just afraid that people would actually see me. But last night I wanted to connect with people I wanted to see how these words were being received and what I saw was beautiful. Who knows perhaps they didn't hear a word I shared but nonetheless I was blessed by what I saw before me. And one girl even came up to me afterwards and asked me for the lyrics. She said the words were so perfect for what she had been going through in her life. It was like somehow the words God brought forth from my story were the very words that she was struggling so hard to find.

This is the beauty of living in community. When we are vulnerable and real with the people around us something beautiful happens. God is weaving our stories together in an unseen tapestry that is far more lovely than we can imagine. But our lives will only be included in that tapestry when we share. We cannot know how our story may be the very encouragement or challange someone needs in that moment. We must step out of our fears and our doubts and boldly claim the freedom that Christ offers us. It is a stuggle for sure, but it is a struggle I have always found blessing in for each time I share I am affirmed that God is using me and my broken life.