The Countdown is Coming

It is so hard for me to believe that at this time tomorrow I will be preparing to countdown the seconds before the clock strikes midnight when one year will end and another one begins. I always remembered hearing adults talking about how they felt like the years just keep going by faster and faster when I was a kid. It always sounded like such a strange idea to me, but now I fully understand what they were talking about. It seems like just yesterday I was ringing in 2006 and thinking up "New Year's Resolutions."

I was just looking back on a post I made at the beginning of the year to reflect on my 2006 resolutions and see how I did. And I was pleased. My resolutions weren't your traditional laundry list of specific things to accomplish, but rather a few key ideas I wanted to find ways of embracing. This year I focused on community, creativity and courage.

I can see so many ways in which these 3 things were fulfilled throughout the year. Many new friends entered my life, as did commitments toward being a more active participant in my existing communities (co-leading a bible study for college women at my church and being a regular in the worship ministry also). I spent time working on new songs and being more diligent about playing my guitar daily. I also branched out in my knitting and moved from simply making scarves to knitting hats as well. Could a sweater be on the horizon in 2007? And courage played a part in all these things as I stepped out from the comfortable and familiar to see what joy could be found in the glorious unknown.

I have already begun to contemplate what I would like to work on in 2007. And seeing how well 2006 went I am eager to begin anew and see what adventures lie ahead. Blessings to all as you reflect on the closing of another year and hope for what awaits us in the next!

Treasures From Under The Tree

My friend Kristen had the brilliant idea of posting photographs of her Christmas gifts. Since I am still in California and it will be a little while before I can show folks my new treasures I thought I would follow Kristen's lead.

Here is a festive little sock monkey that Santa brought for me.
A new wool coat from Mom & Dad to replace my very tattered pea coat.

Some new games from Mom & Dad! We already tried out Turbo Yahtzee and it was so much fun. Much laughter will flow from these games for sure.

Some fingerless glove/mittens from Mom & Dad to keep me worm at the bus stop this winter.

My parents also got me some new Keen's. They are so comfy and I think they shall be my new favorite shoes.

This lovely crocheted scarf and hat were given by my sister, Lisa, and her husband, Andrew.

And last but certainly not least this fabulous pair of pajamas from my parents. Somehow my mom manages to find the perfect gift. Sock monkey + pajamas = Happy Bree!

I hope you all are enjoying your new treasures!

If Scrooge Can Do It, So Can I

Transformation is a tricky thing. I long desperately for it, yet somehow when I begin to feel it taking place I cringe and seem to pull away. How can this be so?

Saturday night I witnessed another man wrestle with this same thing. I attended a performance of A Christmas Carol at the Act Theatre. It was a marvelous perfomance and each of the players did an amazing job. And for 90 minutes I watched as Ebenizer Scrooge wrestled with his own transformation.

I found myself identifying with Scrooge in many ways. His life had been filled with heartache, dissapointment and bad choices. Somehow in the midst of all that hurt he decided it would be best not to feel anymore. He hardened his heart and kept out all those around him that longed to show him grace and love. It took 4 ghosts and a trip through time and space to tear down the walls that had entombed his soul. In the end Scrooge sees that to risk heartache, dissapointment, and bad choices is the only way to find true joy and life.

I loved the transformed Scrooge. He was so undignified, so wreckless and carefree. He danced and shouted in the street. The years of holding everything back were replaced with an explosion of joy and generosity.

On the whole I am no "Scrooge", but I have my moments. Lately I have found myself apathetic to the world around me, somehow unable to care or feel much for anything. A condition I fear, if left unchecked, will turn into full blown Scrooge-like behavior. So I must search for transformation. In spite of the terrifying "ghosts" that I might have to face up to I must open my arms to welcome transformation. That's the thing with transformation, it isn't easy or comfortable, but it is the only way to make our broken lives whole again.

It will take a miracle to transform me into what I am truly meant to be but this is the season for miracles, isn't it? This is the time when God sent his Son from heaven to live on earth among us. The most precious gift of a Savior to walk beside us and help us be transformed by His love and grace. A Savior who came to show us how to be made new, made whole.

A Poem to Ponder

As we head into the final weekend before Christmas I thought I would leave you with a poem to ponder. I know so often I find myself swept up in the excitment of the season. There are gifts to buy, festive parties to attend, and travels to be made to visit loved ones. It is easy to lose sight of what Christmas is all about.

I found this in a collection of poems by Madeleine L'Engle (Best known as the author of A Wrinkle in Time). Her poems are beautiful and full of challenge. She has so many poems in particular about what Christmas really means. This one is short and yet holds more power and truth than many works twice its size. I hope that it will stir your heart as it has mine.





After Annunciation
by Madeleine L'Engle

This is the irrational season
When love blooms bright and wild.
Had Mary been filled with reason
There'd have been no room for the child.

Dusting off the old keyboard

This past week I received a message from a dear old friend who told me that she missed reading my blog and hoped that I would begin to post again. I am not entirely sure why it has been so long since my last post. I suppose there are many reasons. Work gets busy. Thoughts feel too muffled to even begin the task of writing them out. The calendar fills up with activities and before you know it months pass you by.

As I look back at the past year of blogging I love to read back over old posts and remember the things that have been thinking about this year, the places I have been, the adventure I have had. It's like a journal, only better. Not only my thoughts are captured here but photographs and encouraging words from friends. What a treasure to have such a cronicle of the past year. I feel a desire stirring in my heart to rededicate myself to writing more frequently on this little blog of mine.

But first I think an apology is due.

My dear Blog,
I am so sorry that I have neglected you so these past few months. I have missed you and the space you give me to explore my own thoughts and hopes and fears. You have been so gracious to humor my little ramblings on life. There are no excuses that are good enough to forgive my negligence. Please except this apology for my absence and know that I will do my best to mend my ways.

Yours Truly,

Bree

My Bags Aren't Packed, But I'm Ready To Go

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I will make my way from my little apartment in Seattle and arrive a few hours later in my hometown of Huntington Beach, CA. I have been longing for some travels. A chance to escape from work and responsibility to spend my days with loved ones enjoying a good laugh or a hug that I have been craving.

The majority of my long weekend will be spent with my family. Celebrating my moms birthday, meeting my sister's new kittens, and laughing so hard that my side aches with the best kind of pain. My mom and I are even planning a trip to Disneyland to satisfy the little girl that still lives in each of us. My dad, unfortunately, will be working during most of my visit, but I will see him enough to get lots of hugs (he gives great hugs).

And there will be time for old friends too. Time to catch up, an activity that the distance between Seattle and Huntington Beach robs us of. Time to celebrate to milestones that have come up in the months since we were last together. Old memories will be visited and laughter will most definitely flow.

I feel thankful on the eve of my journey home. Thankful for a life that is so rich in love. Thankful for a family that means more to me than words can say. Thankful for the faithfullness of friends who have walked with me so many years. Ah, I am blessed indeed!

Wrestling with Worship

A few dats ago I have a good conversation with a dear friend that started stirring many thoughts and questions in my heart about "Worship". I have been involved on various levels with the worship ministries at the two churches I have been a part of over the past 14 years and yet I still wrestle with questions like...What is worship? How should I worship? What does authentic worship look like personally? What does it look like in the church?

As the questions started to swirl in my brain, rather than stew in my overwhelmed state, I pulled a book off of my shelf that I had read a couple of years ago as I wrestled with the same kinds of questions. The book is called Unceasing Worship by Harold Best. I skimmed through the chapters and read passages that I had underlined during my frist read. I was encouraged, not beacause I found all the answers neatly summerized, but because I found truths that gently nudged me to think deeper on the root of the problems I encounter when I wrestle with worship.

This is How Mr. Best begins his book...

Worship is at once about who we are, about who or what our god is and about how we choose to live. It is about something that is quite simple but wrapped in a mystery. It is about God himself, who has but one face and whose face has been clearly shown in the person and work of his only begotten Son. It is about a world in which worship takes on a thousand faces. It is also about Satan, dressed as an angel of light, disarmingly attractive yet inherently false, whose faces are cleverly multiplied and whose one desire is to undo what has already been done from the eternities.

The thousand faces of worship contain both deadened and lively countenances. They are the lost and the found, all of whom are continuous worshippers, for as the title of this chapter states, nobody does not worship. We begin with one fundemental fact about worship: at this very moment, and for as long as this world endures, everybody inhabiting it is bowing down and serving something or someone - an artifact, a person, an institution, an idea, a spirit, or God through Christ. Everyone is being shaped thereby and is growing up toward some measure of fullness, whether of righteousness or of evil. No one is exempt and no one can wish to be. We are, every one of us, unceasing worshipers and will remain so forever, for eternity is an infinite extrapolation of one of two conditions: a surrender to the sinfulness of sin
unto infinite loss or the commitment of personal righteousness unto infinite gain. This is the central fact of our existence, and it drives every other fact. Within it lies the story of creation, fall, redemption and new creation or final loss.

In reading this passage I see that my questions of when and where worship should happen are not the right questions to be asking, at least not at first. Because worship is taking place in every heart in every corner of all the world. Worship is not an exlusively Christian word. It seems that the really question is Who or What am I worshiping in this moment? And this is a question that we must ask ourselves in every moment.

Later this week I will be entering into a conversation with a small handful of people from my church to discuss the worship ministry at our church. It is my understanding that this time will be for sharing ideas and casting a new vision for moving in a new direction in our times of corperate worship. And as I think of the words above I feel a little conflicted in stepping into the conversation. This meeting seems a call to ask the how and when questions but I don't think we have yet truly visited the Who and Why questions.

I know that deep in my core I was made to be an unceasing worshipper and one who is whole heartedly wrapped up in Christ. But I also know that my vision often times gets cast to far and I overlook the need to answer the questions of who do I worship and why. I want to ask those questions fervently over the next few days and weeks. I want to center my heart back on the one for whom it was created.

Welcome, Dear Weekend! Welcome!

It is Friday afternoon and there is an anticipation building up for all the fun that lies ahead. This summer it feels like the weekends have been so full of the most glorious of fun. Sometimes planned and sometime spontanious. We must drink up these summer weekends while we can for fall will soon be upon us.

I have been wanting to post some pictures for my adventure last weekend to tiny Hat Island but just recently had the time to upload my photos. A small group of us made the journey from the Everett marine on the MV Holiday to join a most gracious and generous couple from our church at their island getaway. We walked the shrinking beach as the tide came in and enjoyed the scenery. We enjoyed conversation as we basked in the sun overlooking the Sound. We watched the Mukilteo/Clinton ferries pass each other like clockwork and would marvel at the sight when the two ferries momentarily became one ferry.

Heidi & Mel walking the beach

Tim, Audrey, Dan & Don explore on ahead

Me & Heidi (I decided to wear my hat in honor of our trip to Hat Island)

Mel & I carved our names in the sandy cliffs along the beach so others might know we were there.

A new friend I made on our walk back to the house.

The tide came in before we could make it back to the house so we had to do a little walking on water (the sandbar helped immensely).

And there was much to see on the boat ride to and from the island.

Now, cheers to another weekend filled with fun and adventures.

Remember How To Walk On Water?

Last night I finished off the last chapters of Madeleine L'Engle's Walking on Water, a beautiful collection of her thoughts on art and faith, and what it means to be a Christian Artist. This was the second time I have read this book. The first time was several years ago before I would have ever thought to call myself an artist. But reading these reflections again, this time as someone who is growing more and more to claim the title "artist" as her own, I was so challenged and encouraged to reclaim all the beautiful qualities that God so longs for me to live out. To be fully vulnerable, to believe in the impossible, to have faith beyond what I know, to trust unflinchingly that God is guiding and holding my life safely in His hands.

While there are words too numerous to count that I wish to quote here, I will settle for just one passage.

When Jesus called Peter to come to him across the water, Peter, for one brief, glorious moment, remembered how and strode with ease across the lake. This is how we are meant to be, and then we forget, and we sink.But if we cry out for help (as Peter did) we will be pulled out of the water; we won't drown. And if we listen, we will hear; and if we look, we will see.

The impossible still happens to us, often during the work, sometimes when we are so tired that inadvertently we let down all the barriers we have built up. We lose our adult skepticism and become once again children who can walk down their grandmother’s stairs without touching.

It is my hope that one day I will remember how to walk on water.

Happy Memories

It is a friday and things around the office are a little slow. I have iTunes playing to keep me company while I work (or try to work). Sufjan Stevens is playing now. And as the song Casimir Pulaski Day plays I find my mind drifting back to a happy memory. It's ironic really since the song itself is actually quite sad.

It was about a year ago. The birthday party was over and only a few of us remained to help clean up and enjoy each others company a little longer. Sufjan was singing to us on that summer night too. Something about the kitchen in that old house, so spacious and dimly light, and the music called to us to dance. We coupled off and taught each other dance moves we had learned along the way. We laughed and twirled. We played the song over and over again to perfect our moves.

It was such a simple act but there I was surrounded by friends I love so dearly and dancing without a care. It is a memory that I will cherish always. And anytime I hear Sufjan singing Casimir Pulaski Day I will dance a little, even if only in my heart.

A Farewell to Hair

Last week I finally did it. After months of talking about it, I finally went and cut all my hair off and made a very long donation to Locks of Love. Here is are so photos from the occasion.

Look at how long my hair WAS. It won't even fit in the frame of the picture.

The stylist took a measurement to see how much hair I would be donating. It turned out to be a whopping 20 inches. Twice the minimum amount needed to donate to Locks of Love.

In the act of chopping that ponytail off. One of the strangest and liberating feelings there is!

And the finished Products!

Friday: Red

Silver and Gold

When I was little I was in the Girl Scouts. We had a song we used to sing that went like this...

Make new friends, but keep the old
One is silver and the other Gold

I am thinking of all the times I sang that song as a kid. And as I remember I realize that I had no real concept back then of what those words really meant. But today I am am fully aware of their beauty.

Yesterday was a day for golden friends. I had coffee and phone calls with some of my dearest friends who have been with me for years. And the past weekend was filled with many other old friends as we reunited for a wedding. It is so good to connect with these friends. The champions of my life that know my story and have walked with me through so many of life's ups and downs. Their love and support mean so much to me because their roots run deep in my soul and touch some of the most hidden places of my life. To my golden friends, I will keep you always in my heart as pillars of strength and love. I love you all and hope that I can be in some small measure the kind of friend you have been to me.

But not all my friends are gold. I have been blessed in recent months with many silver friends. Somehow, in the midst of a somewhat unchanging life, new people have drifted into my world and quickly endeared themselves to me. With kind words and hearts, laughter and joy they have found a place in my heart. There is an excitement that these new friendship bring as we learn and explore the new terrain. To my silver friends, Your presence blesses me and challanges me to grow and explore. I look forward to the many new adventures and memories your lives will bring to mine. And I look forward to that day when you will become golden too.

Thursday: Blue

Color Week

Some friends of mine are doing a color week on their blogs and I thought I would join in the fun. Although I am off to a late start because of a busy week at work I still thought it would be fun to share.

Wednesday: Gray

She's here, She's here!!!!

I am so excited! Late last night Kathleen and Brett rolled into town which means that my new moped is finally here! I am sooooooooooooooo excited. So after I get off work this afternoon I will head over to Brett and Kathleen's apartment to pick up my precious orange moped.

So to all my friends in Seattle, don't be surprised if I show up on your door step this weekend to show you my new ride.

A Weekend of Rest

For the long Memorial Day weekend I had the opportunity to get away to the beautiful and peaceful San Juan Islands. Six of us made the journey to Friday Harbor for some much needed rest and relaxation.

This is how we filled our days. Our mornings started out slowly but surely as we all woke up to our own internal clocks. Then a hearty breakfast would follow. And then we would enjoy the view of the harbor and ferry terminal from the living room of the condo with good books and good music. I loved these times to just "be" and enjoy the break from all the usual things we find to keep ourselves busy in our everyday lives.

Our afternoons were the time for exploring outside. Somehow the clouds would part each afternoon and there was warmth and sun to be enjoyed. We explored the island. We went to the beach at Lime Kiln State Park in the hopes of seeing some Orcas off the coast, but all we saw were porpoises. We visited the Westcott Bay Sculpture park and got to interact with art in nature. And we also did a little kayaking in Roche harbor.

And our evenings always started with a fabulous dinner, where we would linger at the table long after the food was gone to enjoy the good company and the comical conversation. We watched movies and played games. And ate tasty brownies and ice cream.

All in all is was a fabulous weekend. I time of making new friends and enjoying new adventures. And as the ferry was about to pull out of Friday Harbor we finally got to see those Orcas. A pod passed by the mouth of the harbor and all though they were a long way off it was still an exciting sight to see. And the perfect end to a wonderful weekend!

This just in...

So last night I got a call from Brett. And he had just picked up my sweet new ride. So with out further ado here is my beautiful little moped...


In just a matter of days she will make the journey from Portland, Maine to Seattle. Kathleen and Brett will stop off at the Moped Rally in Kalamazoo for a few days on their way cross country. But around June 1st I should be out on the roads.

This is a Moped

In approximately 3 weeks my dear friends, Kathleen and Brett, will be moving back to Seattle from Maine. There are many, many reasons why this makes me very happy but the reason I am writing today is to talk about one of those reasons in particular.

During their years living in Maine, Brett and Leen, discovered the joy of the endearing little machine known as a moped. And when I had the opportunity to visit them almost 2 years ago I had the opportunity to go for a nice long ride on one of these amazing little bikes. I must admit that I was really scared to ride at first. It had been years since I had even been on a bicycle. And add to that the fact that I didn't really know how to operate a moped and you have scared little me. But I went for it and oh how happy I am that I did. I was hooked! So much so that when Leen and Brett arrive in Seattle it will be with a moped for me.

I discover as I share this news with people that most of my friends are confused as to what a moped really is...so let me show you.

The name moped comes from the fact that they have both a motor (gas powered) and pedals. Many people think that a scooter is a moped and this is not so because scooters do not have pedals. Hopefully this clears up any confusion you may have about mopeds. This photograph is not of my soon to be moped, but when I get it I will definitely post pictures!

I just won a helmet on an eBay auction and it is on its way to me. So now all I need is for my moped to arrive and I will be off. This summer weather is really making me antsy to have my moped. I have been seeing more and more mopeds out in the glorious weather and I long to be among them. It will be great fun, indeed!

Oh Happy Day!

I don't know why but I just feel happy today. That deep peace of contentment.

As I waited for the bus this morning in the warm sun I felt like this day would be a good one. And when I stepped off the bus at SPU there was a beautiful flurry of petals swirling through the air like snow. It was so beautiful! I couldn't help but smile and giggle with a childlike sense of wonder at the site. As I walked through the loop to Peterson Hall I enjoyed the way the light shown through the canopy of trees and made the falling petals glisten as they floated softly to the ground.

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!

Discovering Rilke

Today I had the chance to sit and chat with my friend Amy. We shared thoughts on life and our present circumstances. It was a time that made way to contemplation for me. During our time together Amy shared a passage written by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke. Amy quotes from Rilke often and they are always such beautiful and poinient words. So today I decided that I must find myself a book of Rilke's work so that I can explore more of his deep reflections. So I went to amazon.com, typed "Rilke" in the search field and began to peruse that wonderful "Look Inside" feature. I found one passage in particular that rang in my ears with so much truth and wisdom. I will share it here...

You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Reslove to be always beginning-to be a beginner.

How contrary these words seem to all the things I hear as I make my way through each day? But how welcome too? It can be so overwhelming when life seems filled with so many questions but few answers. These gentle words are an encouragement to me that this is not a fact to be frustrated with but to revel in. Enjoy the questions, the mystery...for the answers will come when the ought. We must not force the answers to come. I think when we do that we rig things so we get the answer that we want and not the one we need. There seems to be this hunger to "arrive" in this world today that we forget to enjoy the journey and the lessons we can learn there. I am just as guilty of this as anyone. But I long to step into Rilke's invitation to "Live the Questions now."

This is just one of the things I am contemplating today. And I am thankful for my friend Amy and that she has introduced me to Rilke. I am looking forward to reading more of his words to see what other truths I will find.

Out in my "Backyard"

Yesterday, after I left work, I decided I would spend sometime enjoying the sunny weather. I had to return a movie to Rain City Video just up the hill from my house so I began the walk up 32nd. After I had made my drop a friend of mine, Crissie, drove up and told me to hop in cause it was free scoop day at Ben & Jerry's. We drove over to Market St. and met up with Andrea for our free scoop. I had a lovely scoop of my all time favorite Ben & Jerry's ice cream, Phish Food, on a crispy sugar cone. It was the perfect treat for such a sunny and beautiful day.

After our stop for ice cream I parted ways with my friends to do the thing I had first set out to do. I made my way down Market St to the Ballard Locks on foot. I like to refer to the Locks as my Backyard since it is just across the street from my apartment and I have no yard of my own.

So I unfolded my towel on the grassy hill along the canal, pulled out my iPod and proceeded to lay there in the sun for about an hour and a half. I contimplated a few questions I have be asking myself about future plans and relationships. I read some old journal entries that made me laugh and feel thankful for the ways that God has been faithful to guide me through the struggles of yesterday. I listened to the rumble of passing trains and the laughter of some nearby children on a family picnic for dinner. And then there were two Bald Eagles that spent much of the time circling overhead with such grace and ease.

I love that I have a place like this so close to home. A little piece of earth to come and enjoy the world around me and all the beauty it holds. And I love these sunny days that I have the opportunity to really get out in the world and enjoy it.

Oklahoma and a Time Machine

So I seem to be on this crazy blogging binge. This is my 3rd day in a row after a long absence from writing. And today I am filled with excitment and anticipation for my long weekend trip to Oklahoma. I know it may seem strange to feel so jazzed about a trip to the middle of America but I am. See there is Okie in my blood. My mom was born there and most of her side of the family still resides there. And it has been 10 years since I have had the pleasure of visiting.

The reason for my visit...To surprise my dear Mimi (grandma) for her 80th birthday. I will leave tomorrow morning for the big event. My parents and Sister are on their way there today from California and a whole slew of other relatives will be coming for the party on Saturday.

I can't imagine what is must be like to be turning 80. The world has changed a lot in the last 80 years. I wrote this paper when I was still in college about my family. Part of the assignment was to write about family history. So I called my Mimi and had her tell me stories from her life. She told me about using an outhouse when she was little, riding in her mothers model-T, and her childhood chore of bringing water to the house from the well. How curious to see the whole world change so much during your lifetime?

My mom has been hard at work to create a special scrapbook for the occasion. A commemoration of 80 years well lived. My aunt Valerie (who lives in OK) had to sealthly sneak Mimi's address book out of the house so that my mom could send letters to all the family and friends that have been a part of Mimi's 80 years to ask them to contribute memories and photographs for the album. As my mom has received new entries she has shared them with me over the phone. Some memories so sweet and tender that they brought a tear, some memories so funny and outragous that I couldn't stop laughing. My Mimi has lead a good life to be certain.

This weekend will be a time machine of sorts. A journey through my families history. I am excited for the stories that will be shared about the old days and for the new memories to be made. It will also be a journey back to memories of childhood days and visits to Oklahoma in the hot sticky summers. It will be wonderful indeed!

Dining in the Dark

Last night was quite fun. Just before I was heading home from work I got an email from my dear friend, Andrea. After a long day of both of us being couped in our offices, when all the while the sun was shining outside, she suggested that we go to the beach and enjoy the extra hours of sun. It was quite windy and chilly at the beach but it was still nice to be outside in the fresh salty sea air. We watched the Kite Surfers twirl above the water and a playful puppy dig holes in the sand that he than would jump into. We listened to good music on my iPod and sang along. But there came a point when our feet were so cold that we decided it was time to leave the beach and head to dinner.

We decided to go to Agua Verde over by UW. When we got there is was quite crowded so we had to wait a bit and by the time we were seated the sun was finally down and the sky was dark. We had been seated long enough to place our order and then all of the sudden the power went out. I can honestly say that was the first time that had ever happened to me. Everyone kind of laughed then just carried on like nothing happen. There we were, a restaurant full of people enjoying our time with friends and family over tasty mexican food in total darkness. As Andrea and I watch the wait staff bring out candles and carry on like nothing had happened we began to speculate that this has happened before.

It was quite a fun and adventurous experience, dining in the dark. It just so happened that there weren't enough candles for all the tables in the restaurant so Andrea and I really were in the dark until the folks at a near by table finished their meal and left. I quickly tiptoed across the walkway and snatched the candle for our own table. I felt so sneaky! We enjoyed our food. Perhaps more so because we couldn't really see well. You know, that whole when one sense is impaired the others are hightened. We had silly conversation and laughed so hard.

So next time the lights go I encourage you all to enjoy it for the adventure it can be!

And Here Are The Words

These are the lyrics to the song I shared this past Sunday at church.

Break Me
by Bree Aseltine

I have been waving my hands and kicking my feet in the battle for my will
But you have been calling me, and calling me, and you are calling me still
You are asking the hardest thing and the thing I least want to do
But I know I must give my heart and my will up to you

Break Me
Mold me and make me
Into what you desire (2xs)

I have been building and strengthening these walls I’ve placed around my heart
Fortified with the comforts of sin and my own brand of counterfeit light
I have been keeping you out for fear of what you will do
But I’ve come to hate this prison so now I am crying out to you

Lord you are cutting away all the filth that has blackened this heart
Lord you are placing my life of the anvil and shattering my pride
You send your refiners fire to burn away the drose that clings to me
Please purify my heart, cleanse my sinful ways, and burn me till I’m free

Why I write songs

You may or may not know but I am a songwriter. For the past two years or so I have been exploring all the struggle and beauty of this wonderful art. And I am continually amazed by the way this journey is ever unfolding before me.

For many years I had longed to write songs but always felt like the words and the music were trapped in a deep place in my heart that I could never gain access to. Then at the end of the summer of 2003 my world got flipped on its head. I won't go into the details now but you know how they always say that bad things happen in threes, well that summer I had the biggest three of my life. Although it was the greatest brokenness I have ever known it was also the thing I need to break through to that place in my heart where all those songs were locked away. Since that fateful summer God has been so faithful to bring revelation and transformation to that season of pain through song.

When I first started to write songs it was a private thing, my own personal prayers and communication with God. But the more songs that I produced the more I longed to share them. I felt like there was a bigger purpose for these songs than my own personal catharsis. I felt and still feel like these songs were not entirely written by me. They were born from my stuggles and my victories, and yes my hands are the ones creating them but I feel more like a tool within the process, the brush in the painters hands.

And every now and then I get the opportunity to share. It is a humbling experience to be sure. My stomach always feels like a million butterflies have finally made an escape from their cacoons and are now flying wildly. My knees feel weak and my hands tremble. While it is a feeling that I dread it is also one I need because it makes me completely dependant on God for what comes next. Last night was one of my opportunities to share at Bethany Community Church. I played a song called "break me" (I will post the words shortly). This is one of those songs that is so closely tied to dealing with the aftermath of the "big 3" that came in the summer of 2003. Why I hadn't shared this song in a really public way till now I am not sure? But I shared it none the less and it was an amazing experience.

First, I was accompanied by my friend Rob on the mandolin. This was a great and healing thing in and of itself. This is a friendship that had known brokenness but through grace and vulnerability, forgiveness and reconciliation won that battle. As we played together I looked out over the crowd as they made their way through the sanctuary to partake in communion. And for as much as I needed to share this song it seemed that there were people who needed to hear it too.

I used to be really afraid to look at my audience. I guess I was afraid that it would cause me to mess up or maybe I was just afraid that people would actually see me. But last night I wanted to connect with people I wanted to see how these words were being received and what I saw was beautiful. Who knows perhaps they didn't hear a word I shared but nonetheless I was blessed by what I saw before me. And one girl even came up to me afterwards and asked me for the lyrics. She said the words were so perfect for what she had been going through in her life. It was like somehow the words God brought forth from my story were the very words that she was struggling so hard to find.

This is the beauty of living in community. When we are vulnerable and real with the people around us something beautiful happens. God is weaving our stories together in an unseen tapestry that is far more lovely than we can imagine. But our lives will only be included in that tapestry when we share. We cannot know how our story may be the very encouragement or challange someone needs in that moment. We must step out of our fears and our doubts and boldly claim the freedom that Christ offers us. It is a stuggle for sure, but it is a struggle I have always found blessing in for each time I share I am affirmed that God is using me and my broken life.

More of Less

In the past few months I feel like God has been bringing to my attention all the excess in my life. Every where I look I see more clothes then I ever wear, more stuff then I ever use, more CD's then I ever listen to, and so on. In the past all this "stuff" has always made me feel like I am doing well in life, but recently it has only served to make be feel overwhelmed by all my options.


So rather than continue to live in this overwhelmed state that is dulling my senses I am making efforts to minimize. This has always been a hard thing for me to do since I am a pack-rat by nature. I have a hard time letting go of things because I have sentimental attachments or special memories tied to so many of the physical objects in my life. So I never really try to get rid of things.

But about a month ago I had had enough. I boxed up 3 large boxes of clothing that I planned to take to charity. When my dear friend Kristen heard me mention this she suggested that we have a clothing exchange. She invited a bunch of friends to clean out their closets too and bring all the clothes together so people can see if there is anything that they would like. Then whatever was left we would take to charity. There was so much clothing and shoes I couldn't believe it! It was fun to see people getting excited about the stuff I brought and finding a new treasure for their closets. I even found a few things for myself. But it was still a major down sizing for me. And the thing that suprised me is how fun and easy it was to get rid of so much stuff. And two weeks later I have no regrets in getting rid of any of it. In fact it makes me want to do the same kind of thing with CD's, books and movies.

Today is the start of the season of Lent. A season to slow down and take a step back from all the "stuff" of life and prepare our hearts for the joy that awaits us in celebrating Easter. And as I think of the lessons God has been teaching me the past few months I find that it's no coincidence that He chose this time of year. So as I try to continue on my journey to lessen the distractions of all the stuff around me I want to dedicate this effort to Christ and ask that through cutting these distrations from my life that my heart and mind would be free to see all that God longs to show me.

For Lent this year I have decided to give up a few things to open up more space for God in my heart and life. I am going to cut out TV Monday-Friday from the hours of 5-8 PM. It is so easy to come home after a long day of work and just plop down on the couch for an evening of numbing TV. Till Easter, I will instead choose to devote this time to bible study, prayer, silence, and other activities that will serve to draw me into the presence of God. Also in my quest to continue to minimize the distraction of "stuff" in my life I will refrain from shopping, with the exception of grocries. Any time that I would have spent shopping will instead be used to enjoy all the truest gifts that God give freely, like family, friends, and creation.

If any of you are planning to observe Lent this year I would love to hear how you will participate so that I can pray for you and encourage you along the way. Blessing to all!

Inspiration from the Shores of Walden Pond

About a year and a half ago I had the pleasure of going to the east coast to visit friends. One of the stops we made was to the little town of Concord, just west of Boston. This quaint little town is so rich with history and inspiration. While there I had the chance to stand on the shores of Walden Pond where Henry David Thoreau lived and wrote for many years of his life. It was such a rich experience to stand in the place that inspire these words... As I ponder Thoreau's thoughts I long, as he did, to "live deliberately." I find myself growing numb as I am buried by all the "conveniences" of modern life. Since I live alone, on the nights I am home for dinner I find that I turn on the TV for company. But last night I longed for quiet. So I fixed my dinner and sat down in my favorite chair with my plate in my lap. Normally I would have just started eating, giving little thought to the act, but last night I just sat for a moment. Drinking in the blessing of knowing I was about to enjoy a hot meal. Being fully aware that I am rich with so many blessings. I said a little prayer of thanksgiving and then I began to eat. With out the TV on I was able to saver every bit, enjoying flavors that took me back to happy memories of childhood.

I wish that these kind of moments came more often in my life. I wish that I was more thoughtful about the things I do, even the common place tasks like eating or cleaning. I feel like God is gently calling to me through this experience to "front only the essential facts of life." There is so much excess in my life, so much more than what is needed. But, I am frightened at the thought of cutting things out of my life because there is comfort in the familiarity of my current routine. But I have to ask myself if I would really miss so many of the things that I cling to? Would my life have less meaning or fulfillment is I cut a few small things out?

I want to live life to its fullest. I want to accept that gracious invitation that God so lovingly offers for "life, and life abundant." But isn't it just like God to set things up so that the "more" only comes with "less"?

Spring Cleaning Came Early

When I woke up on Saturday morning to the sun shining and the birds chirping something in me just needed to clean. And for anyone who knows me well this is a very unusual phenomenon. So I got out of bed and began to work on cleaning my room. My closet has this weird habit of spewing nearly its entire content on the floor, so the first order of business was to clear the floor for some much needed vacuuming. Another part of clearing the floor was sorting through all the paper (the majority of which was credit card offers and junk mail that piles up).

I am a little shocked an appalled by the amount of junk mail in my apartment! It is such a waste of paper, money, and time (considering I spent a few hours just on shredding credit card offers and other stuff with personal info on it). I am going to do some searching on the internet today to see if I can't find some sort of way to stop this ridiculous junk mail, or at least to decrease it significantly. By the way I ended up with two trashbags full of shredded paper for recycling!

I vacuumed, dusted, boxed up some clothing to give to charity, organized my desk, took out the trash and recycling, and did 5 loads of laundry. I felt so accomplished by the end. I still have more organizing to do but I think I really got the big of things I wanted to accomplish done. Next I need to tackle my storage unit down in the basement. I want to get it organized so I can actually get to everything that is in there. Hopefully I came keep this momentum going.

I also found a few treasure in my cleaning endevour. Among them a Starbucks giftcard for $5.

Some Art to Ponder

For some reason today I was thinking about art I have seen in my life that has moved me. One piece that comes to mind is a video/sound installation that I saw at the Bellevue Art Museum with my sister about 5 years ago. It was called "He Weeps for You" by Bill Viola.

I wanted to share this work of art with all of you (though I fear it will not be as moving as it was in person). Here are a few photos and a description I was able to find online. "A drop of water emerging from a small brass valve is magnified by a video camera and projected on a large screen. The close-up image reveals that the viewer and a portion of the room are visible inside each forming drop. The drop swells and finally falls, and a loud sound is heard when it lands on an amplified drum. The entire room and persons in it are subject to the cadence of the falling drops, which continue in infinite repetition and reflection.

What an amazing concept! I love that I became a part of this work of art. It was a magical experience to walk into a dark room, see this strange contraption before me and watch as a drop of water gradually grow revealing a reflection of me. And when the drop fell it was as if my heart fell with it and I shuttered as the sound from the drum echoed in my ears. I have never been so moved by a piece of art!

So many thoughts swarm through my head as I think about the title, "He Weeps for You." Mostly I think about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane the night that he was betrayed and arrested and the tears he shed as he thought about what was soon to take place. Did each of those tears contain a tiny reflection of the world God longed to save in that great sacrifice? Did the ground thunder as each tear fell and broke into a million peices? What tradgic beauty!

With the news just in from Punxsutawney Phil...

After consulting with my friends in the groundhog community I am afraid that the next 6 weeks will be filled with more of this dismal winter weather. This is something that most definitely makes me feel a bit sad. These gray, cold, rainy days are really starting to take their toll on me.

Even with Punxsutawny Phil's bad news the day has not been a total bust. My old roommate and fellow monkey enthusiast, Melissa, introduced me to the most wonderful world of Monk-E-Mail at CareerBuilder.com (remember all the commercial with the chimps in the offices?)

Things at work have been rather slow the past week but thanks to Monk-e-mail today has been full of laughs. I mean truly, the way to fix any problem is simple just add a talking chimp. Just give it a try and I am sure you will find yourself doubled over in laughter.

Some New Ways for the New Year

Being that it is now 18 days into this fine New Year, I have had some time to do a little thinking on what I will resolve to do this year. I have been trying to figure out what I want this year to be about. What do I want to spend the next 347 days exploring and achieving? Here are a few of the things I have come up with...

COMMUNITY. I want this year to be marked with growing intimacy as I seek to love and know those that I share my life with. I have plans to start a small group with a few dear friends, to challenge and encourage each other as we seek to grow in our faith. And I also want to set aside one day a month to write letters to those that are far away or those I know who need a little pick me up in their mailbox. But basically I just want new depth in old relationship and to seek new relationships as I participate more fully in life.

CREATIVITY. 2005 was a year of discovering new gifts and new passions and my hope is that 2006 will be the year that I truly strive to grow in these gifts. I have been exploring the wonderful art of songwriting. Somehow all those thoughts and feelings that I have had such a hard time communicating fully in the past have found a voice in song. I want to grow as a musician, a singer and a songwriter. I want to surround myself with creative people and ideas that can continue to challenge me and encourage me to stretch my heart and imagination.

COURAGE. There are so many things in my life that I long to do but so often I let fear of failure or rejection take hold of me and keep me from my hearts desires. My hope is that this year I can make great strides in doing the things I most fear, but still long for. Whether it is playing a show to share the songs I have been writing, competing in my first triathlon, or asking a guy out on a date I want to throw caution to the wind. This year I want to claim the abundant life God so graciously offers, but I seldom have courage enough to grab hold of.

May this year be rich in blessing, challenge and transformation for all of us as we seek to be all that we were made to be!

A Winter Reprieve

Last night it was hard to sleep as the wild wind howled outside my window. The flag pole in the courtyard along with the trees were battling it out with the wind throughout the night as I peered through the blinds of my bedroom. I thought I might awake this morning to find them all uprooted but they managed to stand victorious through the night.

The rain in Seattle has been falling with little pause this last week and winter seems to be making herself known. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate the true beauty and blessing of this winter weather, but I have to keep reminding myself that sights like this only come after the rain.

Just a little glimpse of what awaits us on the other side of winter. The bright, warm beauty of a world waking up from a long winters nap. So hang in there my friends for soon we will be frolicing in the tulip fields!